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18-12-2003, 10:46pm
The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really
really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging
her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want
to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a bottle of Jaegermeister and a couple of Cohibas!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE!
Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time
squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How
'bout I send you a f------ book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Harry Potter cards please! All my friends have
more Harry Potter cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f------ mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars
worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning
to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes
and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,
a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who in the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house!
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped
at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex
you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really
really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging
her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want
to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a bottle of Jaegermeister and a couple of Cohibas!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE!
Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time
squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How
'bout I send you a f------ book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Harry Potter cards please! All my friends have
more Harry Potter cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f------ mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars
worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning
to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes
and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,
a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who in the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house!
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped
at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex
you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa