Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a
rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Regards
Andy
Live life like it's the 2 minute warning
My Way is the Highway
When life throws you a curve..lean into it
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A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the
Age Pension.The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to verify his age.He looked in his pockets and realized he had
left his wallet at home.He told the woman that he was very sorry but he
seemed to have left his wallet at home."I will have to go home and come
back later." he said.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."So he opens his shirt
revealing curly silver hair.She says, "That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me" and she processed his Age Pension application.
When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about
his experience at the Centrelink office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants.You might have got
the Disability Pension, too."
![[Image: Resizeofbusa005.jpg]](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f175/HAYABUSA-ROD/Resizeofbusa005.jpg) |
REGARDS ROD
MOBILE 0433 92 99 22
kangaroos1996@msn.com |
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
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Q-Whats the difference between a Golf Ball and a womans G/Spot
A- A bloke will try and find a Golf Ball.
Woman,where's my wallet?
And whats for tea?
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29-06-2007, 12:54pm
(This post was last modified: 29-06-2007, 12:55pm by mybb.)
Gassick Wrote:Q-Whats the difference between a Golf Ball and a womans G/Spot
A- A bloke will try and find a Golf Ball.
No need to look for the woman, they are always right behind you bitching and whinging about something (just jokes girls, just jokes..............not...) That was a not joke. Oh I'm bored today
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If there are bricks missing
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management
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joke of the week
[attachment=928]
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Newly wed
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? .. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancĂ is still a virgin - in every way"
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided
splint, and taped it all together; ... an impressive work of
art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER
touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies, ..."Look at this, ......still in
the CRATE!!
|
REGARDS ROD
MOBILE 0433 92 99 22
kangaroos1996@msn.com |
At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and get her."
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot"
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked... I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20,000 price tag "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! He got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Mrs tony you are killing it!
Lol.
Awesome ;)
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True Aussie Love Story
A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.
Dazza is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Dazza slams on the brakes and yells:
"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:
"G'day Dazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Shazza",he says "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too"
.........and drives off.
A young man was driving up a steep, winding and narrow mountain road.
Going round a tight corner, he notices a woman driver who is
coming in the opposite direction begin to lean out of her window.
As they pass each other she yells at him - "PIG!!!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and screams back at her,
"BITCH!!!"
Each continues on their way, and as the man rounds the next bend he
crashes into a pig, right in the middle of the road...
If only men would listen..
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