A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
I pulled an older woman at a Glasgow Night Club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog.
She asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her tenement place.
She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humour.
"If time catches up with you. You're going too slow!"
Regards BUSGO
The birds and the bees.
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby.
Little Johnny at the back of the class puts his hand up and asks the teacher,
Are you sure about the stork miss? Cos my sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!
A doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, 'What the heck, I'll try it.' He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate, he closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'
He heard , 'This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?'
The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'
The cop says, 'Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.'
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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.
"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"
never fly higher than your angel.
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One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
never fly higher than your angel.
An elderly Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to
dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work and he was old
and tired. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in
prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament
Dear Vincenzo,
Ima feela pretty bad 'causa looks like I wona be able to planta my tomato garden dis year. Ima getting old. Ifa you were here, my
troubles, she woulda be over. I know you woulda diga da garden fo me.
Love, U Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4:00 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Thats what I'm talking about. A glass and a bottle all in one
[attachment=655]
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Mrs B. would like a set of those wine glasses Trix, where do you get em?
"If time catches up with you. You're going too slow!"
Regards BUSGO
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A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after
image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
<><><><><><><>
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
<><><><><><><>
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted
he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
***************
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe
you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Keep Reading
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."
Keep Reading
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Keep Reading
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later,
the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Keep Reading
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Chopper says - "Harden the f*** up Australia"
[/font]The love story of Ralp[font=Arial]h and Edna
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him
out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and
bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?
Posts: 5,401
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Reputation:
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Heidi1 Wrote:[/font]The love story of Ralp[font=Arial]h and Edna
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him
out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and
bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?
Ha Ha 
never fly higher than your angel.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " IS THAT YOU LORD? "
The voice replied, " NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
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