Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTony]

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[MrsTony]

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[MrsTony]

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[Mutha]

A Horse, A Chicken, and A Harley!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to
town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys
in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still
had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and
he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.

The moral of the story?
Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!

[BUSGO]

It's either, if your hung like a horse you can pull chicks.

OR

You don't have to ride a Harley to pull the chicks.


Take your pick.

(That's why I don't ride a Harley)


.........

[MrsTony]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said t he Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f*&^ing putt, didn't you?"

[DisPlaCeD]

KID'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[The Wild Wind]

It's either, if your hung like a horse you can pull chicks.

OR

You don't have to ride a Harley to pull the chicks.


Take your pick.

(That's why I don't ride a Harley)


.........

Or a Harley is only a substitute if you're not hung like a horse...

[MrsTony]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family

Was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses".

[MrsTony]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

[Mutha]

According to a news report, a certain
private school in Cork was recently
faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would
remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that
something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors
every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been
to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how
much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then,
there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[Ruffy]

Or - the farmer drives the tractor into town because he knows that at least IT will make the return trip without breaking down ......

Ruffy

[Ruffy]

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a harley?

The position of the DIRTBAG :2funny:

Ruffy

[MrsTony]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[bandit]

The Most Functional English Word

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out- of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!