Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[bandit]

Just a thought

[MrsTony]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of discomfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what the
engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just exactly
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[MrsTony]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an
Elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided
To tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
Do you know how they make these gloves?"he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China , with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes, walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh well, I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
She said, "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[MrsTony]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=NeverSendaWomantogettheOilChanged.flv

[MrsTony]

[attachment=337]

[bandit]

heres a good one

[MrsTony]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.
I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila

[MrsTony]

[bandit]

Hey Mrs Tonny do you have the link for those motivational posters

[BUSGO]

I don't know if this one has appeared before.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says," Hmmm. I have no idea.

The little girl replies." Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power
when you don't know shit?"

[MrsTony]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=CordlessDrill.flv

[MrsTony]

[RaZz0R]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.
I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila

HAHAHAHH!! I hada very good laugh at this :) feel better already :)

[MrsTony]

[MrsTony]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=DeeronCar.flv