Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[Diablo]

And again

[pan]

Here it is...

[The Wild Wind]

to both of those last 2!

[MrsTony]

Proudly showing off her newly leased downtown
apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Female yuppie led the way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friend's asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" she drunkenly replied.

"A talking clock - seriously?"

"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."

"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.

"Just Watch" she said. She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an
'ear-shattering bash ' and stepped back.

Her three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall
screamed "For f*#k's sake you stupid b!tch, it's ten past three in the
f*#king morning!!!"

[Sumkhun]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1
was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

" Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was........... Oh God, I miss him!".........

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government.......This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

[The Wild Wind]

A trucker goes in to a brothel and slaps $1500 on the desk.

"I want some burnt toast, lukewarm coffee, and I want an unattractive older lady to come out and complain to me."

The madame says to him, "For that money, we could slap up 3 lovely courses, and you could have the pick of my girls."

"Nah, I'm not hungry or wanting sex, I'm just home-sick."

[MrsTony]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit

Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.

"The sunrises and su nsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.



And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".



 "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will Âfix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.



Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.



"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"



 "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the

Cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."



God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.

How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part O f you. Now let's see..........where did I put the useless tit?"



Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

[MrsTony]

For those who can't get dates????

[attachment=103]
[attachment=101]
[attachment=104]

[MrsTony]

[attachment=106]

[MrsTony]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that Iâ€m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and youâ€re even around during the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when weâ€re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately Iâ€ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let along all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream old dutch chips)? Iâ€m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless youâ€re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Itâ€s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous eveningâ€s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. Youâ€ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just donâ€t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thankyou,

Your biggest fan
P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I donâ€t want to have sex
2. Nope, no more beer for me
3. Sorry, but youâ€re not really my type
4. Good evening, officer. Isnâ€t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldnâ€t. No one wants to hear me sing

[MrsTony]

[attachment=148]

[ROD]

like that one

[MrsTony]

An oldie but still a goodie
[attachment=159]

[m8ee]

Queensland joke - substitute your biggest bogan
suburb for Ipswich if you are not from brisbane.


HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Ipswich in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Queen Street, Ipswich. Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately $30.00 worth of damage..
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
The Ipswich Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ipswich.
One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and
River slept through it all." Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.



HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuits,
singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, reebok boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
Donations $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Ipswich Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.




Please don't forward this to anyone living in Ipswich - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway!

[MrsTony]

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay Too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)