Tips for student pilots.
1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival --and vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
I thought the direct approach of "Feck Off, your just a wanna be straight guy but your failing miserably" was the way to go
however, if your not that upfront maybe a letter might help.
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Tick those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
HOWARD IN HELL
I had a dream last night. I dreamt that John Howard was
struck by lightning and dies. His soul arrives in heaven
and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven,"
says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a Prime Minister around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Little Rodent.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then
you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the P.M.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his fellow
Liberals from the past who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy
and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce
about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell
and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with Honest John joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
Little Johnny reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful,
but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the Little Rodent. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted !!!!!!!"
The Phantom is back !
It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has
separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to
be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said
in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm
really stumped"
"She's running around in circles", according to a close
friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy
to walk out on a relationship like this"
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he
would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer
it if we called her Heather.
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was
signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in
the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't
have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that
infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated,
"always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with
alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he
would get home at night and find her legless"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started
with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new
prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He
says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His
mate says "try Paul McCartney"
Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in
the river
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul
please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman
who can fill her shoe. Bruce
N2O no laughing matter
fuggen LMFAO..... Don't ride behind me, I might bin it, Don't ride in front of me ya slow moving bastard, Just ride beside me and shut the f*** up.
good find, blackzook.
The Phantom is back !
Competition in the states for Carnation Milk was entered into by an elderly lady who lived and worked on a dairy farm as a child. Her entry didn't win but I reckon it should of
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Out at the Country Club, Jim and his wife Sue were on the first hole. Jim being a keen golfer and plays every week he has a shocker and hits the ball into the rough. In finding the ball they discover there is a barn between the ball and the green. As Jim is ready to play it safe back to the fairway, Sue suggests that she holds the barn door open so he can play it straight threw to the green. In doing so Jim hits the ball and collects the top of the barn door the ball shoots of and hits Sue in the head and kills her.
Weeks later, Jim is back at the Country Club with his best mate Bill. First hole Jim has another shocker, findind himself in the same position as last time, his mate Bill suggests that he holds the door open for Jim to play straight threw to the green. Saying this, Jim starts to cry and says to Bill, NO...... the worst thing happen last time i tried to play threw there. Bill askes why what happen?
I shot a double bogey...................
1. A Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
2. A Construction Manager is one who thinks a single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
3. A Cost Control Manager is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and if it saves money to adopt rather).
4. A Project Engineer is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
5. An Instrument Engineer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
6. The Client is the one who doesn't know why he wanted a baby in the first place..
7. The Structural Engineer is still trying to calculate how to produce a baby.
8. The Procurement Manager went and bought condoms instead.
9. The Planners think they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child without anyone.
10. The Document Control Team don't care whether the child is delivered or not, they'll just document 9 months of anything.
11. The Quality Auditor does not approve of the method used to produce a baby.
12. The Design Draughtsmen do not care...they just want the woman....!!!
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T). Since our managers toke S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPEICAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T).
Thank you
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPEICAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is
in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should
be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that
I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but
I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes
out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
woman does sitting down and a dog does on three
legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong...... "
GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES
Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened. Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother"! is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another countries..
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-ZsaZsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt- Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,
to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he
done now?" and said with trepidation,
"Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said,
"That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
"Don't ride behind me, I may not lead. Don't ride in front of me, I may not follow. Just ride beside me and be my friend."Edited by: Sentinel at: 31/10/06 20:26
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