A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.
Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.
They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!
OK you really got to ask yourself why the human race thinks its really superior
The Snake & the Bunny
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they decide to go to the Vatican City tour. Grumpy for once seams to have a lot to say, he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. “Your holiness” do you have any really short nuns? “No my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall” Are you sure? I mean you wouldn’t have any nuns that are around my height? “I’m afraid not” Why do you ask? “No reason” Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. What’d he say? What’d he say? The other dwarfs chant. “They don’t have any” The others start chanting, “Grumpy shagged a penguin”, “Grumpy shagged a penguin”
A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
WARNING - The following letter has sexual references and may offend.
(I am not in favour of censorship though and thought the message must be passed on)
Dear Natalie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to
me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a
lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as
long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in
the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I
don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth
and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect
body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit.
Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this
stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It
s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her
better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my
moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of
that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed
her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I
feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her
slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then
It hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus,
Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do reminds me of
you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last
year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she
figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she
meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she
s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear
us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother
s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause
I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex
toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's
given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's
pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier
times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do
is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.
And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me
to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how
that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But
do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your
heart you must know it.
Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe all the grievances away and
start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fu***ing remote is.????
Love, Paul
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!Edited by: BUSGO at: 25/9/06 9:51 am
Dear Mrs. Tony,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Tony has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in many of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Tony have been compiled and are listed below.
MEMO: RE: Mr. Tony- Complaints - Things Mr. Tony has done
while his spouse was shopping in our store:
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 1 0: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Regards
The Manager of Kmart (Mango Hill)
@ Busgo
@ Mrs Tony The older I get, the better I was. Regards.... Rob
|
Contact Us
