Laughter... The Best Medicene

[kev11e]

Queensland University

A young lad from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the son says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

'So how's Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the dogs how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.

[captainrob]

[Shordy]

One day, Mike and a mate went out for a round of golf. They were about to tee off when another man comes over and asks, "May I join you? My partner couldn't make it today".

Mike agreed and as they got the second hole he turned to the newcomer and asked, "So, what do you do for a living?".

The stranger said,"I'm a hitman".
Mike
laughed and said, "You're joking, right?"
The stranger reaches into his golf bag, removes a sniper rifle and shows them. Mike took hold of the sniper rifle and peered down the telescopic sight, fairly impressed.
As Mike was looking down the scope he said, "I bet I can see my house from here......yep, that's it right there......wait......what the hell? What's my wife doing naked with my neighbours husband??".

Absolutely furious he turns to the hitman and asks,"How much do you charge?"
The hitman replied, "A 1000 bucks per shot,"
Still seething Mike says, "I'd like you to make two shots. My wife is pretty mouthy so shoot her in the mouth, and just to teach my neighbour a lesson.....shoot his dick off".

Happy to take on such an easy job the hitman gets into position and aims the rifle at Michael's house. He pauses for a minute, but continues looking through the scope.
By this stage Mike starts to get impatient and yells, "What's taking so long?? Just take the shots already!!!"

The hitman glances over to Mike and replies," Be patient mate, I'm trying to save you 1000 bucks here"

[Batfink]

[Batfink]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to sleep with you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

[Batfink]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain coming, so the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.
And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day !!!

[Rev004]

This Beer could be funny to have at a party...

https://www.youtube.com/embed/3V9QHBgrPNY

[Batfink]

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption!!!
The theory is that beer contains female hormones ( hops contain
Phytoestrogens ) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory
100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
Argued over nothing.
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
Gained weight.
Talked excessively without making sense.
Became overly emotional
Couldn't drive.
Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing were considered necessary...