Laughter... The Best Medicene

[captainrob]

Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.

Dear Mr. Smith,

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.
However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,

Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,

[jamdonut]

A poof and his boyfriend go for a walk in the forest
Poof tells his boyfriend he is taking a dump behind some bushes and does his business,
Poof then yells out to his boyfriend' Hey I've just given birth to a baby, look he's got arms and legs, its a miracle!'
Boyfriend goes to have a look and yells' You stupid idiot, you just shit on a frog!

[PostmanPete]

[andcad]

Last night while she was fast asleep, I replaced her tampon with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.

I'm telling you!
That women's got no f*&^ing sense of humor

[Batfink]

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."


The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

[shorty]

Oscar Pistorius clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on valentines day he had to take her out...

Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it...

[Aussie Steve]

A bloke walks into an Irish chip shop and asks for fish and chips twice the bloke serving the counter says....I heard you the first time

[Dale]

Cleavage is like the sun ...

You can only have a quick glance .. unless you are wearing sunglasses, then you can get away with looking at it for a bit longer

[shorty]

Defence Attorney:

Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Batfink]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

[Batfink]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[Batfink]

Whats the difference between God and a Doctor?



























































God never thinks he's a Doctor!

[Batfink]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

---

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions -

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere.

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is NO difference in the outcome. Both are Fatal.

[Tony Nitrous]

[shorty]

The Great Lao-Tzu said:
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."