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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting,
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......
(03-02-2011, 01:41pm)TempOzzy Wrote: A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting,
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......
 
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In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their
days..
Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what
ultimately became of them..
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However,
In that same year, 1923,
the winner of the worlds most important road race,
the Isle of Man T.T.,
was
Stanley Woods.
What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped
the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.
The Moral:
F*** work.
Ride motorbikes.
Good weather, good woman, good road, good bike, good-bye!!
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During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn't work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil...
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Today's word is................. 'Fluctuations'
I was at my bank yesterday; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated
. . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yessday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I onee get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
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Two Mexican soldiers have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his last breath Pepe calls out:
"Run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"
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A young Italian boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Pops, what is
the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go aska your mamma if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then aska your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then aska your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Mamma, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
could buy?'
The Italian boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His dad then asked him, 'Son, did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The Italian boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ..
But 'realistically', we're living with two putana's and a finnochio
"It is not a shame to not know, the shame is to not know and not to ask"
Hey .. have you heard who's back together after all the sh*t that's been between them ?? ...........
Your bumcheeks .....
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A man was riding his Busa along the 'Great Ocean Road' when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Tasmania, so I can ride over there and The Lord said, 'Your request is too materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand Women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want four or six lanes on that bridge?'
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 ten cent pieces to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Taxation Office.'
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SCAM WARNING @ Coles supermarket,while packing shopping into your car,you may be approached by 2 fit 18yo East European girls,in tight tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with tits hanging out & ask for lift to next shop as payment. On the way they strip and go down on each other,then one jumps in the front and sucks you off while the other one steals your wallet! I had mine stolen last Tues & Wed,twice on Thurs and again Today.. Be careful
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Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says,
Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now
re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse
replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him
in.'
'No', says the nurse.
'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
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(07-11-2011, 06:56pm)Madmax Wrote: Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says,
Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now
re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse
replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him
in.'
'No', says the nurse.
'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
An oldie but a goodie 
jim
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09-11-2011, 06:08pm
(This post was last modified: 09-11-2011, 07:03pm by kawasuki.)
Heard about the fag who was working in the morgue?, he was getting bored
late at night , so he rang a few of his friends and asked them over to suck on a few cold ones.
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