Hello Everyone,
I do agree for thought 'Laughter is the best medicine'.So here I am sharing something funny with you.
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it`s a real easy game. He explains,`I ask a question and if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don`t know the answer I`ll pay you $5.` Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, `O.K., if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don`t know the answer I pay you $50! ` Now, that got the Engineer`s attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, `What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?` Then Engineer doesn`t say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer`s turn. He asks the Programmer,`What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?` The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, `Well what`s the answer to the question?` Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
lol!!! thats the best!!!!!
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee and paper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
"Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's".
''What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her.
"He inquired further, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.
" A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
If it's too loud....You're too old!
If it's too fast....You're too old!
If it's too sexy....You're ???
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> > One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
> >
> > "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
> >
> > "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
> > bought it with my share of the winnings."
> >
> > A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
> >
> > Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
> >
> > She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
> > it with my share of the winnings."
> >
> > Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,
> >
> > You guessed it:
> >
> > Her share of the lotto winnings...
> >
> > That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
> > she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
> > barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
> >
> > "What's this?" she asks her husband.
> >
> > "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
Chopper says - "Harden the f*** up Australia"
A Prayer for daddy
"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say Congratulations!!!
But none of them rub your mans parts and say Well Done!!!
Hehe
![[Image: th_marriage_view.jpg]](http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/th_marriage_view.jpg)
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A Poem About Tomatoes
I know a bloke whose name is Jim,
I love to throw tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these f***kers do, cos they're still in the tin!!
Chopper says - "Harden the f*** up Australia"
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23-10-2009, 12:27pm
(This post was last modified: 23-10-2009, 12:31pm by TempOzzy.)
An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave..........
Dave .............
Dave.........
Dave........
..........you're a vet.
If it's too loud....You're too old!
If it's too fast....You're too old!
If it's too sexy....You're ???
Very good M8ee an tempozzy haahah!
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I have a new doctor, he is a traditional chinese doctor who is very old and wise. Here are his replies to some questions I put to him...
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on
exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you
live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want
to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And
pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable
product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that
way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact,
they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should
only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Chopper says - "Harden the f*** up Australia"
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Arent...
1. So...What'd you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!
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