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PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird; Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal....
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Good weather, good woman, good road, good bike, good-bye!!
Ruffy your last one was ACE!
hahaha!
BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday....
Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
putting everything in her mouth...
They grow up so fast, don't they ...
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A husband walked into a Lingerie Shoppe called Victoria 's Secret to purchase a negligee for his wife. He was shown several possibilities that ranged from $250 to $500 in price.
He noted that the more sheer it was, the higher the price but decided to opt for the most sheer item and paid $500. He took it home and that evening presented it to his wife and asked her to put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thought to herself (she's no dummy ) 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked and see if he tells the difference. If he doesn't, I'll return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.
The husband said, “Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!â€
"If time catches up with you. You're going too slow!"
Regards BUSGO
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Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a
moustache!"
"If time catches up with you. You're going too slow!"
Regards BUSGO
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A VERY ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. 'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, I discovered a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.
Was she pretty?'
'Don't know. Never found the Head'
If it's too loud....You're too old!
If it's too fast....You're too old!
If it's too sexy....You're ???
HAHA!
Tempozzy,thats a good one lol!
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar……'
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18-09-2009, 05:09pm
(This post was last modified: 18-09-2009, 05:10pm by cAstAgeAr.)
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him..
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,
'You doing velly well, only two left'.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,†she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,†he volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.
“Well,†he began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
“That mustâ€ve been scary,†said the teacher.
“It sure was!†said Johnny. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffffâ€â€¦ and before he could say “F*ckâ€, the Rottweiler ate him!â€
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
lol good stuff Nem keep em coming!
Ahahaha. Thanks for administration your altered thoughts.
_________________
Ultra ankle
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I
not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,
stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
her give me sex. That makes everything better and I
go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do
what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.
You got nice house."...
If it's too loud....You're too old!
If it's too fast....You're too old!
If it's too sexy....You're ???
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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