Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTony]

Haha, now you guys know how to catch out your kids

[Rev004]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow,
Sheâ€s fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

---

I called the Swine Flu hotline . all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I siad it
must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies,
though.

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal
application of oinkment.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on
a tangent about it.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype haemagglutinin protein 1
neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going
to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a
joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of
the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure
when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to
every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then,
isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic,
don't believe the spam you're getting.

---

Herb proposed to Sandy but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to
confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a
deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a problem.

My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we

are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."

'Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.



Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and
teasing, holding one another.

Then Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants and she began to scream and ran out of
the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

"Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!"

---

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32...'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds..'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'








'Because you got an F in sex.

---

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!



This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - P ress 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it

---

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'


'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell..'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'


The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

---

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.


She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her They didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.


'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.


After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman Filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.


She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and Told her husband when he came home.


He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.


The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?'


'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do You have hairs?'


'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her thick, hairy Muff.


When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'


'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her Yours?'


'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'


'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!

[NEMESIS]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" said the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time on one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky," said the woman. "As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors one-on-one, and, if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said, "Who f****d up your hair?"

[MrsTony]

HOw many times have I wanted to do this????

[MrsTony]

Psycho cats

[cAstAgeAr]

A Well Planned Retirement


From The London Times:May 15, 2009

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars 1 pound (about $1.40) and coaches 5 Pounds (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the CityCouncil and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 pounds (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over A3.6 million pounds ($7 million)!

And no one even knows his name.

[NEMESIS]

No way,if thats a true story, kudos to the guy for rorting the system lol

[NEMESIS]

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..

Vern, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

Larry, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot Diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'

Old Paul, the cowboy from Arizona , remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his pecker.

[NEMESIS]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[keno77]

heres some jacko ones i heard at the pub last night- doesn't take long does it! he'll never get any peace

farrah fawcett arrived at the pearly gates and st peter asked her if she had any wishes for those left on earth. her reply was that she wanted all the children to be safe. next thing she knew michael jackson was standing next to her.

mcdonalds is bringing out a new burger in memory of michael jackson. its 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns.

they want to melt down michael jacksons plastic body parts and make them into toys- that way kids can play with him for once

the doctors are unsure what to do with michael jacksons body- recycling day isnt until next tuesday

[MrsTony]

Lol

[Ruffy]

The Man Test
... this is funny no matter who you are. Unless you're the sensitive type, then refer to this e-mail again!

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Fag.

2. If you have a cat, you are a FLAMING homo. A cat is like a dog, only gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, you're so queer. (Brit Windler owns a cat...)

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're gay. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a Johnson there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are an ass-pirate.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a pole smoker.



So remember the rules, or keep that gay stuff to yourself.

[NEMESIS]

The Man Test
... this is funny no matter who you are. Unless you're the sensitive type, then refer to this e-mail again!

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Fag.

2. If you have a cat, you are a FLAMING homo. A cat is like a dog, only gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, you're so queer. (Brit Windler owns a cat...)

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're gay. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a Johnson there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are an ass-pirate.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a pole smoker.



So remember the rules, or keep that gay stuff to yourself.

[NEMESIS]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When
I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told
Her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she
said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too
large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, we have never had
a single problem.'


Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got
Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his
trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said
that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Jill paused and
removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.. 'Try these on,' she said,
so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get
into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you
don't change your f*&^ing attitude, you never will.

[NEMESIS]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" she replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."