Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[NEMESIS]

A woman says to her mother, Im divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom
mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'

[NEMESIS]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

[NEMESIS]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances".
'F*cking get in there you C*nt! ' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the f*cking Manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says. 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your'e poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.........w*anker.' The Manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner, but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' That song was called "Excuse me Prime minister, but I just J*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the C*nts blind.....'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "Lively". "W*nker,," Interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The Manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the Sh*tbox you get cr*p on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager.. 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if your older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". Look says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "Racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why the f*ck not'. So on his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist, is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on, that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show, he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'.

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, "I F*cking wrote it"

[BUSGO]

TFF....
You low life piece of sh*t Nem. lmao

Damn... the smilies aren't working.

[NEMESIS]

TFF?

I so dont know what that stands for.

The F**king F**ker?
Do tell lol

---

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

[BUSGO]

TFF = TOO FARCKIN FUNNY.

[NEMESIS]

TFF = TOO FARCKIN FUNNY.

0hhhhhh sweet

[NEMESIS]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his f***ing widow."

[andcad]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Kalgoolie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

[ROD]

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that thing in me one more time , I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

[MrsTony]

When Men were Men

   

[ROD]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around,

spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she

bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.



Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to

see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales

person doesn't pop up right now.



As she turns around, her worst nightmare

materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.



Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete

professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.

How may we help you today?'



Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman

may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she

asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'



He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at

it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

[ROD]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, at the horse ranch, and says he's sending a
Friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's an Irish midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse.

"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once Over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
Arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's Fanny,

Pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[BUSGO]

Good one Wodney

[MrsTony]

The Commanding Officer of a regiment in the
U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the
morning briefing to his staff, battalion and
company commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish
its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question
to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky
the night before and he failed to get his usual
amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex
was work, and how much of it was pleasure?

The regimental executive officer chimed in with
75-25% in favor of work. A captain said it was
50-50%. The colonel's aide responded with 25-75%
in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of
inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to
the private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded,
'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.'

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess,
asked, why?

'Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the
officers would have me doing it for them.

The room fell silent.