The useless bits of info to see if we can make a million posts thread
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
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My wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
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I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
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One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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