Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[bigfoot]

ouch my stomach hurts

[NEMESIS]

I like that last one castagear

A PERFECT DAY

FOR A WOMAN :

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants....open presents--expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends; unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from "secret admirer"
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk; says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower---alone
10:50 Carried to bed; freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

FOR A MAN :

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast; steak and eggs, coffee, toast.
All cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club; blow job en route
9:45 Play front nine; 2 under par
11:45 Lunch; steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine; 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport; several bourbons
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with nude, all-female crew who all bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home; massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
6:45 Shit, shower, and shave
7:00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner; lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all of whom have lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed, alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

[cAstAgeAr]

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the 25th floor.

On the 3rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair, but an obvious amount of dandruff, gets into the elevator and the women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.

The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.

The women watch him exit the elevator when the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders???"

[cAstAgeAr]

Can you imagine this getting to air these days?

This was originally shown on the BBC back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, (though heaven knows how many
takes!). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks: they were really forrible
huckers, they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies . The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go .

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her fairy godmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy donkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimlight,otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve " Mist all chucking frighty !!! " said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. " Who 's fust jarted ??? ", asked the prandsome hince. "Blame the fugly ucker over there ", said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success, and their freet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The prandsome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury , and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[cAstAgeAr]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for f***'s sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f*&^ing listening'
___________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

__________________________________________________

Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

___________________________________________________

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

____________________________________________________

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

______________________________________________________

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'f*** off it'll be too painful',

Now who's laughing'

[NEMESIS]

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

[Slicer]

Black women all over the world are shaving their pubic hair today in support of Obama's election.
Their message to the world: "READ OUR LIPS... NO MORE BUSH"

[bigfoot]

lol

[NEMESIS]

Black women all over the world are shaving their pubic hair today in support of Obama's election.
Their message to the world: "READ OUR LIPS... NO MORE BUSH"

[MrsTony]

[ROD]

DON'T FART IN BED





This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.



He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.



She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!



Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.



Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.



The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.



About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.



She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'



'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.



'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

[Madmax]

DON'T FART IN BED





This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.



He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.



She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!



Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.



Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.



The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.



About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.



She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'



'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.



'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

orsome!

[BUSGO]

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

[bigfoot]

thats a good one busgo

[ROD]

thats a good one busgo

+1