Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[cAstAgeAr]

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old

[Rev004]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a

Terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up

With him.

Looking around, he realised they

Were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the

Habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to

Watch the sun set.


One particular evening, the sky was a

Fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle

- a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started

Looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to
the Sheep and... Put his arm around it.



But the sheepdog, ever protective of the

Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his

Arm from around the sheep.




After that, the three of them continued

To enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more

Cuddling.



A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold,

There was another shipwreck.



The only survivor was a beautiful young

Woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a

Pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back

To health..


When the young maiden was well enough, he

Introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful

Evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm and gentle breeze -
perfect for a Night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get

'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but

He finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned
over to

The young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,



'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Rev004]

A woman walks into the Frankston Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...


'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.


She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'


'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'


'OK, and who's next?'


'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'


The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.


'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they all named Terri?'


Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch' ?

'I call them by their last names!'

[Rev004]

WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July 2007 Saturday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:



Saturday 28 July


australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

[Rev004]

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

[Rev004]

Marriage (Part I )


Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house..

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says

'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it IS time to go home and

wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


************** ***************************

[andcad]

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

' Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.

'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?'

[cAstAgeAr]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

[cAstAgeAr]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find
a little old Jew at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, ' Do you have water?'

The Jew replied, ' I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, ' Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

' OK,' said the old Jew, ' it does not matter that you don't want to buy
a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
You will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
Need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.
.
.
.
.


'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie.'

[cAstAgeAr]

A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his
head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Rev004]

What a ripper

[attachment=3807]

[Rev004]

All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said..

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend...

[Rev004]

Bruce and Trevor are beggars. They beg in different areas of
Bondi.


Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects
$2 to $3 every day.



Trevor brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of
money to spend.


Bruce says to Trevor 'I work just as long and
hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'


Trevor says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?


Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.


Trevor says 'No wonder you only get $2 - $3


Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'?



Trevor shows Bruce his sign....



It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand

[Rev004]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she

spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had

lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks

her, 'Why do you love doing that?'


She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[Rev004]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Perth immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Nedlands with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..

' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the river.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an Australian with Australian clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Australians.

'PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'



THIS IS GOOD .......


The fairy said 'Tough luck, Dick-head, Now that you are a Ozzie, you have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!