Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[busakid08]

Short ones are better

[Rev004]

The most embarrassing part is when you just want to 'try it out' and you have to front the Doctor for a prescription and explain why you need it...

Any man who says he hasn't used Viagara, is as big a liar as his brother who claims he has never masturbated.

Me??? well you can see I don't even know how to spell it

As for the attachment, well, you be the Judge...

[attachment=3699]

[Rev004]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST
DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE
FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT
WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD

MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR
BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DE AD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO
YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL
THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK
MINE WAS
A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY
THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING
HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER

[Rev004]

(joke here - deleted by BUSGO)

Please remember when you are posting a joke that we have members from all over the world.
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.â€

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving.'

[andcad]

THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[andcad]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for f#ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'


My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f#cking listening'





Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.



I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and

walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f#cks off.



Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.



A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to

panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.



Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.



Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f#cker'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar se but you said, 'F#ck off it'll be too painful',



Now who's laughing'

[Rev004]

A Mechanic was removing a
cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known
cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service
manager to come and look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the
Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit
surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish,
it works just like new. So how come I make $49,000 a year, and you get the
really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The
cardiologist smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...

'Try doing
it with the engine running!'

[Rev004]

Sam, a business man was driving home after long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said, "Will you give me a ride to Denver Sir?"

Sam was amazed and said, "I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here."

"No Sir," the hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I Promise."

The business man was reluctant, but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.

They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that the cow would be fine, not to worry.

Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go to 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, "I got you, you son of ........"

"What is the matter?" the hitchhiker asked.

"Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said.

"Is it sticking out on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked.

"The left side," Sam said with a smile.

"Well," the hitchhiker said, "You better pull over, she is trying to pass you."

[Rev004]

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to the fun park and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

* everything an 8 year could want.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you XXXXXX twit !!!'


The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.....aint that the truth......

[Rev004]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for f***'s sake stop crying, you're still my sister'



My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not f*&^ing listening'



I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.



Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.



A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.



Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.



Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually,
'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'f*** off it'll be too painful',



Now who's laughing'

[Rev004]

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, 'What the heck, I'll try it.' He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate, he closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'
He heard , 'This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?'

The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'

The cop says, 'Well, you better check your brakes too, because Your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.' :o)

[cAstAgeAr]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.


The kids were eager to know
what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f-cking ars-hole!!"

[ROD]

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging
her money. After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....
'fluctuations'.
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'fluc you Aussies too'

[ROD]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across one with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.


It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.


He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.
'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.


But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.
'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.
'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room i s a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra.


No one says a word.


So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


Still, nobody says a word.


So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.


'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.


Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.


All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.


Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f****** dishes!'

[cAstAgeAr]

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong .....