Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[cAstAgeAr]

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[cAstAgeAr]

After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then
began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her
shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts,
stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently
over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her
inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He
continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled
over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caress ing, she purred, "That was
wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote"

[cAstAgeAr]

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the postbox
when I take out the recycling paper anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,
And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

[Rev004]

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Dazza is driving over the WestGateBridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells:

'Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?'

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

'G'day Dazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself'.

Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

'Shazza',he says

'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too'

And drives off.

[Rev004]

Suma drops in to Woosha's house on Thursday a couple of hours before

training to plan that night's session. As he walks in he sees Woosha

finishing off his lunch by eating the biggest tomato that Suma has

ever seen.



With vege growing in his blood Suma excitedly asks Woosha "where'd ya

get that tomato Woosh!".



"I grew it myself" Woosha proudly answers, "Pav and Haselby down at

the Dockers have a hobby farm and they mix up a secret blend of sheep

manure, horse manure and cow manure and they gave me a bag."



"I've got to try some of that on my veges" says Suma, "Can you get me

some."


"No worries" is the reply, "I'll stop in at Pav's on the way to

training and grab a bag of it."



At Subi Oval that evening Trevor Nisbett has just finished signing up

Michael Voss as assistant coach when he walks out of his office and

sees John Worsfold dragging a large, heavy bag into the Eagles rooms.



"What's that?" he asks



Worsfold replies "I've got a bag of shit from the Dockers for Suma."



Nisbett replies "Good Trade!"

[Rev004]

Best Pub Ever

[attachment=3663]

[Rev004]

Well about bloody time

[attachment=3664]

[Rev004]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.



She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.


'You ok?' she says.


'Yes.' he says.


'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.


'It's best I stay here.' he says.


''Why?' says the blonde.


The boy says:



'Because I'm the f#cking goalie'

[cAstAgeAr]

Brave man jokes..... Some excellent ones

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

What do you call the fatty tisue that surrounds clitoris ?
The Wife..

[cAstAgeAr]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[cAstAgeAr]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[cAstAgeAr]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[debandee]

You know you're Australian if …
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case
when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how
often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black
thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is
optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways
with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you
really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a
place.
16. You're secretly proud of your killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice
as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to
"Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,
at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the
Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor
Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the
world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like
them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway
fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse
me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's
"youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach
cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
"Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched
by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem
and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the
government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says
"cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and
overseas, realising that only they will understand

[Missy_Moo]

Baptising an Irishman


A
man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.


The
preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'


The
drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the
drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies,
'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.


He
again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'


The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'


By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again
--- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the
drunk,'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'


(Are you ready for this????)




The drunk
wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

[debandee]

Three little Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now baptized!”

”When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisspatarians