Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[LOAFIE]

[cAstAgeAr]

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I ?

[m8ee]

Doctors Never Laugh

. . . the doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.


'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'

'I bumped into the kitchen bench last night and it's swollen,' Bob replied.

[cAstAgeAr]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight..'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[cAstAgeAr]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got
no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet
door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering
on the closet floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

[Rev004]

Absolutely love this one....says it all in a nutshell!!!!!!!!

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
outside the Perth immigration offices.

My good man,' the fairy said,
I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in
Australia with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good
teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy
looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a
brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. I need a big house with a three car garage in Nedlands with eight
bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still
live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a
long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the river.
One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an Australian with Australian clothes instead of
manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.

And I want to have white skin like Australians.

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball
cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'


THIS IS GOOD .......


The fairy said 'Tough luck, Dick-head, Now that you are a Ozzie, you have to fend for yourself.'

And she disappeared!

[Rev004]

Lower math:

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+ 20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

[Rev004]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:


4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his
voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind
you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

1st Place.
And the winner is . . ..

This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.

[Rev004]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry,what's your problem ?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !'

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'

Harry : '9.'

Principal : 'What is6 x 6 ?'

Harry : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'

Harry : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'

Harry :' Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'

Harry : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'

Harry : 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[Rev004]

NOT ONLY IN KIWI LAND!



Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament house.; one from Wellington, another from Christchurch and the third, from Kaitaia.
They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Wellington contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Christchurch contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Kaitaia contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Kaitaia contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Christchurch to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!

[Rev004]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the
procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with y our PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine!
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!

[Rev004]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur.
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you
want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."

[MrsTony]

A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I
noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'.

I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath

[MrsTony]

[LOAFIE]