Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[Rev004]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just
before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell
of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more

[Rev004]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.... that's just great....

Some a**hole's got my pen!'

[Rev004]

You Aussie will appreciate this one



Strailya Mate!

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the

glass to pieces.


'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.


He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that

we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

[m8ee]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English
language).

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your Honour," the husband said. "And every now and then,
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "Idon't like
the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife."

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and
hangs up.

[cAstAgeAr]

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

[cAstAgeAr]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to
empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his
balaclava..

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. 'Did
anybody else here see my face?'


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes
over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard
from a distant corner.

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

[LOAFIE]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really root, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Rev004]

Need I say More

[attachment=3481]

[BUSABAZZ]

One Friday afternoon in class the teacher says to the students "Ok class every friday afternoon i will ask a question and if you get it right you can take monday off, todays question is, how many litres of water are in the pacific ocean?"
Naturally nobody could answer so the teacher says "see you monday class!"
the following friday the teacher asks "how many grains of sand are on Bondi Beach?"
once again nobody could answer so the teacher says "ok see you monday class!"
Little Johnny was not happy with these stupid questions so the next friday he came prepared, just when the teacher was about to ask another question little Johnny gets two table tennis balls he previously painted black and rolled them accross the floor, they rolled to the front of the classroom and hit the teacher in the ankles, the teacher looks up and says, "O...K who's the comedian with the two black balls?"
Little Johnny jumps up and shouts "Bill Cosby Miss and i'll see ya tuesday!"
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A man went to the barber's for a haircut with his daughter, she had a cake that she was about to eat, the barber asked the man "is that your daughter with you? the man said "yes thats my little girl"
The barber turned and said "hello little girl, do you know you will get hair on your muffin?" the little girl says "YEAH that's right and i'll eventually grow tits too you dirty old bastard!"
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What's the difference between jam and marmalade?


You can't marmalade your dick up ya girlfriends ass!
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What's the difference between pink and purple?


The grip.
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An irishman walks into a pub and asks the barman "what's the fastest way to get to Dublin?"
the barman asks "are you driving or walking?"
the irishman say's "yeah i'm driving"
the barman then says "yep that's the fastest"
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An irishman goes to the plumbing section at a hardware store and buys a bath tub, after a day or two the irishman rings the store and complains "the bath i bought leaks" the store assistant asks "did you use the plug?"
then the irishman says " OHHH what..... it's electric?"

Cheers
Stay upright

[cAstAgeAr]

Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

[MrsTony]

Speaking of tomatoes
A young lady remarked to a farmer about the redness of his tomatoes and asked what his secret was

"Well every morning I stand in front of my tomatoes and I flash them" said the farmer.
"They get all embarrassed and blush. Thats my secret"

The young lady thought she'll give it a try. So every morning she would go out to her garden and flash the tomotoes.

A few weeks later the farmer and the young lady met up again.

"How did you go with your tomatoes?" asked the farmer

"Well" said the young lady " My tomates are still the same but my cucumbers are enormous!!!"

[Rev004]

Saw this magazine on the shelf at the newsagents and signed up for a 12 month subscription.

[attachment=3500]

[Rev004]

Divorce vs.. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I
would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the
world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my
husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against
the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into
her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'

[cAstAgeAr]

An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him. One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."

[BUSGO]

A special message for everyone named Gary.
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