Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[NEMESIS]

That grading school one was awesome ! LOL!

[tomrux]

this tickled and showed very wise logic i thought.

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — they donâ€t even serve food anymore, so whatâ€s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere†going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldnâ€t need a salary, thus saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and â€special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didnâ€t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Pierre The French Fighter Pilot


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.


It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says,"Pierre, kiss me!"


Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's ruby red lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.


"I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"


She smiles and they start kissing.


Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."


Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay


and pours it on her breasts.


"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.


"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"


She giggles, and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.


Marie leans close to his ear, and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"


Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her …. lap [?]


He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire.


Marie shrieks, and dives into the River Seine.


Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, “Pierre, WHAT IN THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"


Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[NEMESIS]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,
A gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
Decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also
Blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a
20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her
Head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'O decency,
here's a comb....Tidy yerself up a bit.

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[BUSGO]

Good one Trix.
I had to watch that a few times to catch all the incidents.

[NEMESIS]

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3.. The smallest is the male sperm.

4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5.. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!

[ROD]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

Good ones there Nem

[NEMESIS]

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your 'willy'?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD", because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

This guy must really like his chips

[cAstAgeAr]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man,
for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared,
wondering where they had seen him before,
when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God,
I know who that man is.
It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough,
it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out,
'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him,
smiles a small smile and nods his head.
Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says
to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint
of Guinness from me.
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes
it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass,
smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out,
'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells
him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale
for Jesus This the bartender duly does. As before,
Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you!
D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the
bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus,
this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later,
after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says.
'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman,
thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.
Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock.
By Jove', he exclaims,
'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone.
It's a Miracle!' Jesus then approaches the Australian,
who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'

[cAstAgeAr]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick

[cAstAgeAr]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and my knees are
killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Me thinks a bit of video editing went on here but its still worth a laugh