Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[Mutha]

* Men are like....Animals
Messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets.

* Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

* Men are like....Beer.
The first sip is always bitter.
No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.

* Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

* Men are like....Bras.
They offer light, medium and complete support.
* Men are like....Buses.
They come every 15 minutes.

* Men are like....Buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.

* Men are like....Computers.
And a smart woman keeps a backup.

* Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

* Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

* Men are like.....Fires.
They go out if unattended!

* Men are like....Fine wine. They start out as grapes.
It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

* Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

* Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

* Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion

* Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

* Men are like....Oreos.
Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!

* Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table

* Men are like.....Recliners.
You pull the lever and they lay back

* Men are like....Teeth.
You ignore them - you lose them.

* Husbands are like....Children
They're fine if they're someone else's.

[Mutha]

* Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

* If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He'll be back to his usual self.

* A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.

* Marriage certificate?
It's just another name for her work permit.

* When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

* "It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards..."

* Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a "real woman"...
* Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

* Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

* If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can't hear the TV

* If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation

* If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!

* If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

* Men are like roller coasters: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

* Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator

* If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

* Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
1% Sodium
1% Iron
1% Phosphate
97% Fix-a-Flat

* Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany

* Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

* Women don't make fools of men most of them are the "do-it-yourself" types.

* The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.

* The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

* If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

* A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."

* Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

* Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

* Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men a woman

* When God made Man, she was just kidding.

* If God had wanted men to be perfect, he'd have given them brains

* Men is proof even God makes mistakes

* Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.

* Men read Playboy for the articles women go to malls for the music.

* Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.

* Men love sex with redheads, but their wives don't appreciate it!

* Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win...they lose.

* Men of quality respect women's equality.

* Men play the game. Women know the score.

* Flies spread disease, keep your's zipped

* Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.

* Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!

* Men have a joystick whereas women just have a game port.

* Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

* Men, stupid? You'd be dense too if you had your brain in your pants!

* If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming way too high

* It was love at first sight. He walked by and I saw the twinkle in his eye.
I never knew that someone could be so in love with his own reflection in the mirror.

* Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

[NEMESIS]

Mutha with the come back hahahah!

[black13]

Mutha with the come back hahahah!

i was expecting it, all's fair

[2CUTE4U]

http://snipurl.com/1yuyp

[2CUTE4U]

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[black13]

men have 2 emotions
horny & hungry

if you see him without an erection, get him something to eat

[BUSGO]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions: One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?" "Well, its when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's', and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

[Mutha]

Great funnies People

[Mutha]

The miracle of toilet paper





Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small. Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he, uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day.



Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood infront of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replied.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man!

[black13]

The miracle of toilet paper

i love that one
[attachment=2327]

[LOAFIE]

> >Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband or brother along to go
> >shopping...
> >
> > MEMO
Re: Complaints


Dear Mrs. Murry,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us,
unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the
past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
> >the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!

And; last, but not least!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[cAstAgeAr]

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS ..........

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."




SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,

Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[cAstAgeAr]

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

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[cAstAgeAr]

Kelvin the Kiwi...

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon
examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kelvin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible
for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Kelvin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with at least some ability to satisfy a
female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Kelvin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for
$500? Kelvin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Kelvin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

“First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third
condition.

"Wull," said Kelvin, "You gotta guv me another week to come up with the $500."