Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[2CUTE4U]

Friggin hilarious

[2CUTE4U]

perfect

[2CUTE4U]

Redneck 911 Call



A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

[2CUTE4U]

The Blonde
and the Coke Machine



There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

[2CUTE4U]

Sperm Count



An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."



The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

[2CUTE4U]

Blonde at the Doctor's Office



A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
she's broken every single bone in her body.
"That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!"
She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!"
Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!"
Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure
as the tears start to roll down her face.
She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination.



"Well, miss," he tells her,
"I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body.
The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

[NEMESIS]

Heres some suz,since you posted some of dogs...
Not all are funny though.

Couldnt find the one of this 1 i had of an angry puppy,argh!

[attachment=2198]
[attachment=2199]
[attachment=2200]

[2CUTE4U]

LOL, yeah thought i should brighten the place up a bit :P

[m8ee]

A U.S. Marine sniper is asked in an interview..
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"


He shrugs his shoulder and simply answers...
" A slight amount of recoil"

[Bill Gaheer]

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to
come down to earth
to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great
shape and they went
to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech
impediment, but this
didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long
then in the morning
Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name,
so he said to her, "I'm
Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said,
"You're thore I'm tho
thore I can hardly pith."

[Bill Gaheer]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and
read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

[Bill Gaheer]

Barbie and G.I. Joe

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe,
she fakes it with Ken."

[Bill Gaheer]

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

- I don't like to interrupt her.

[Bill Gaheer]

Actual label instructions on consumer goods



1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)


4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)


5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)


8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)


10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)




11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)


14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Bill Gaheer]

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they
came to some tracks.
The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks."
The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued and were still arguing when
the train hit them.