Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[arthur dunga]

Doctors have just identified a food that causes grief & suffering years after its been eaten.
Its called f*&^ing wedding cake.

[NEMESIS]

How men think...






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A woman was in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,

"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined; no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure... maybe she choked".

She had it coming...
In every sense of the word

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=thelastlaugh1.flv

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

The 11thHusband.

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

[NEMESIS]

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=LandCruiserPancake.flv

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=smart_animals.flv

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said, 'Yes!'

And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'.

And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'.

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable T.V. with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said, 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied,
'Yes, And super size 'em'.

And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then
Satan chuckled, and created the Public Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:



In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.



In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.



In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.



In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".



In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.



In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.



In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Bunnings. Go to Bunnings and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day/5kg. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful and sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 10 kg. as promised..

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[LOAFIE]

Nems new video clip..
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=rZBA0SKmQy8&feature=related

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bra gging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]