Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Say ahhhh!!!

[LOAFIE]

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
>>
>> From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a
>> true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
>> Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
>> tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
>> so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
>>
>> The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
>> officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying
>> his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he
>> fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other
>> patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
>> switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the
>> indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the
>> lights.
>>
>> He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
>> remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
>>
>> At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
>> down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
>> time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
>> promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
>>
>> To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
>> intoxication.
>>
>> The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
>> Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
>>
>> "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
>>
>>

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[black13]

[attachment=1670]

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Is that a new form of turbo????

[BUSGO]

No, it's been around for years.

[NEMESIS]

I think ive put it here already,not sure..

MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ............................

GANG ............................

Time allowed: 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX two inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Taylors Lakes to Ginnifer station then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Sunshine, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding at Highpoint Shopping Centre?

4. Phan has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Dak Hoang for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

5. If Darren receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the Braybrook Wreckers?

6. If Soula needs 25ml of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

7. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

8. If Abdo runs a Doner Kebab shop in the Keilor Shopping Plaza and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

9. If the St. Albans ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

10. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

11. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Albion to Brimbank park, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

12. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
a) 2 feet away .....%
b) 5 feet away .....%
c) 100 feet away .....%


END OF EXAM

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Ye Olde Help Desk

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=IT_Pro.flv

[Madmax]

Ye Olde Help Desk

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=IT_Pro.flv

I have absolutely no doubt that in future years we will look as silly as the monk, regarding IT matters like that.


Max

[m8ee]

Dear Walter:



I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving

my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more

than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car

shuddered to a halt.



I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't

believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour making mad

passionate love to her.



I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back

yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her

unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in

bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him
and

kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.



But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke

down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six

months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from

his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly

depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave

him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I

can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?



Sincerely,



Mrs. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no

debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips

holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these

approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is

faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.



Walter

[HD DUDE]

I went to the cemetery yesterday. There were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around with it.


I thought to myself :



" These buggers have lost the plot"

[HD DUDE]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=AMAZINGMUSTSEE1.flv

[m8ee]

Moose Hunting





Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]