Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

The Soldier and the Nun:

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I
hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and
asked, Sister, have you seen a 'soldier? The nun replied, 'He went that
way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt
and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want
to go to Iraq '
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great
pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have
seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

PENDING MARRIAGE

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, her entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car........

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Hmmm wonder if I can get this on the car

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[Heidi1]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.

The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was
going when you died"

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment
on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
Fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees
and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off
even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him Oddly enough, the first thing I thought
of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony,
and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack
and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and
let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No
problem.
But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th
floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily
exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing
hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away,
slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below
mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course
I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall,
so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things
off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing
me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very
well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets Howard enter.
A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Honey there's something I need to tell you

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[Ruffy]

> > A Penrith girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
> > on
> > the counter. " I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick
> > up my dress." she says.
> >
> > " Come again" says the worker.
> >
> > "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
> >
> > -----------------------------------------
> >
> > Another Penrith girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood
> > everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car 'till
> > she's lying flat out on the road.
> >
> > Medic: "I'm going to check if you're concussed."
> >
> > Sharon : "Ok."
> >
> > Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
> >
> > Sharon : "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
> >
> > -----------------------------------------
> >
> > A Penrith girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
> >
> > "How many children?" asks the assessor.
> >
> > "Ten" replies the Penrith girl,
> >
> > "Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.
> >
> > "What are their names?"
> >
> > "Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren
> > and
> > Warren"
> >
> > "Doesn't that get confusing?"
> >
> > "Naah..." says the Penrith girl. "Its great because if they are out
> > playing
> > in the street I just have to shout : Warren, YER DINNER'S READY or Warren
> > GO
> > TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
> >
> > "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
> > Centrelink worker.
> >
> > "That's easy," says the Penrith girl... "I just use their surnames"
> >
> > -------------------------------------
> >
> > A Penrith Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
> >
> > The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
> >
> > She says "I'll take the red one."
> >
> > The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


Cheers Ruffy

[Ruffy]

Three stages of a man's life:

SINGLE
[attachment=1633]

MARRIED
[attachment=1634]

DIVORCED
[attachment=1635]

Ruffy

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

A man had lost one of his arms. One day he had enough.
He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the
top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this
man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked
closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling
sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes
a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with
his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told
him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if
that man could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy .... My arse is itchy."

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[arthur dunga]

whats the differance between sky diving & getting a headjob by a granny with her falsies out ,nothing, there both fuckin awsome ,just don't look down!