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09-09-2007, 09:40pm

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**Mutha** · 11-09-2007, 05:06pm

IT'S ALL ABOUT FOOTBALL - especially in September!!!

It's the AFL Grandfinal and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grandfinal and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.
""Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

12-09-2007, 09:25pm

Don't you hate when this happens

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15-09-2007, 10:06pm

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16-09-2007, 05:19pm

Why you never question a drunk.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following

A litre of milk
A carton of eggs
A carton of orange juice
A 250 gram package of bacon
A head of lettuce
A 1 kilo can of coffee

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the Six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

**m8ee** · 17-09-2007, 12:42pm

----- > The 5 minute management course...
>
>
> Lesson 1:
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
> towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
> the next-door neighbor.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
> towel, "
>
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
> in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
> gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
>
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
>
> "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
> me?"
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
> your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
> exposure.
>
>
> Lesson 2:
> A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
> her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
> controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
> But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
>
> The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>
> The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>
> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
>
> It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
> opportunity.
>
>
> Lesson 3:
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
> out.
>
> The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
>
> "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
> Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
>
> Puff! She's gone.
>
> "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
> Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
>
> Puff! He's gone.
>
> "OK,! you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
>
> The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>
> Moral of the story:
> Always let your boss have the first say.
>
>
> Lesson 4
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
> saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
>
> The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."
>
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
>
> All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> Moral of the story:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
>
>
>
>
> Lesson 5
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
> the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
> energy."
>
> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
> "They're packed with nutrients."
>
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
> after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after
> a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
>
> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
>
> Moral of the story:
> BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
>
> Lesson 6
> A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
> froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
> there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
>
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
> realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
> there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
>
> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
> the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
> promptly dug him out and ate him.
>
> Morals of the story:
> (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your frien! d.
> (3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>
> THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

18-09-2007, 08:07pm

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic grabbed Connor by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

19-09-2007, 08:46pm

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20-09-2007, 09:31pm

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**Gnarbunkle99** · 20-09-2007, 10:37pm

Belch

21-09-2007, 02:30pm

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=carride.flv

**Mutha** · 25-09-2007, 05:50pm

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

because they are plugged into a genius

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

they don't have enough time

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

they don't stop to ask directions

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock

You're laughing aren't you?!?!

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

you need a rough draft before you make a final copy

7. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

because a vibrator can't mow the lawn Remember, if you haven't got
a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just
an old sour fart !

25-09-2007, 06:22pm

Q: How do you give a woman an orgasm?

A: Who cares?

**Ruffy** · 25-09-2007, 07:59pm

Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to MOAN! Coffee

Ruffy

25-09-2007, 08:32pm

......even when they're happy

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