Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[AstroBusa]

The older I get, the better I was. Regards.... Rob

[MrsTony660]

Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[m8ee]

I parked the bike in a handicap spot the other day at the shops. I hopped off and was going inside when a parking inspector came up to me and said "that is a disabled carpark, what handicap have you got ?" I replied " tourettes syndrome you c***, now f*** off !!" Chopper says "Harden the f*** up Australia"

[MrsTony660]

Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[MrsTony660]

Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[Blackzook]

Best thred here Trix keep up the great work!!! Bruce
N2O no laughing matter
f*** nos I've got Velocity

[MrsTony660]

Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[MrsTony660]

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock
on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens three consecutive days and the
woman decides to tells her husband. The husband says to the wife;
"Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say yes and I will be hiding behind the door."

The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has the vagina and the woman says yes; the man then said tothe woman, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop screwing my
wife." Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[MrsTony660]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "

"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each."

" However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this
point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You root her again." Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[MrsTony660]

Yup some people just like to scare the bejesus out of you.





Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[MrsTony660]

The heading says it all really








Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[MrsTony660]

Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[MrsTony660]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

3 Sisters
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door." Salutations
Trix

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday

[Sentinel]

Thanks for the e-mails!





I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.



Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.



I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,and Uzbekistan.



I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.



Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM

this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing

you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually

happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second

husband's cousin's beautician...



Have a wonderful day



....oh one more thing......



--------------------------------------------------------------------

New Study



A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has

discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read

their e-mail with their hand on the mouse!



Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!=============

"Don't ride behind me, I just ate beans. Don't ride in front of me because your ass is huge. Just ride beside me so I can push you into on coming traffic."

[Sentinel]

JOKE
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a Pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....


.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"


"I DIED", said the Rabbit.


"NO!" said the barman, "what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...


"Mixin'-me-toasties".




"Don't ride behind me, I just ate beans. Don't ride in front of me because your ass is huge. Just ride beside me so I can push you into on coming traffic."