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15-02-2010, 06:20am
I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your f*&^ing will power."
A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q. The manager says, "Would you like a screw for that mirror?" "No", she says, 'but I'd suck your little pee wee for a lawn mower."
Top tip; If your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that, because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently, the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat bird serving my food late in McDonalds at lunch time said "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry you fat c***, you'll lose it eventually."
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts when he meets Murphy. Murphy says "If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?" Paddy says, "If you can guess how many are in there, you can have both of them"...............Murphy says, "Four!"
Recession beater - Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we could get rid of the second car". Husband replies, "If you'd take it up the arse & let me cum on your face, we could get rid of the nanny!"
One of lifes great mysteries - Why is it a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD f*&^ing DAYLIGHT?
I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
Marriage counsellor to couple, "Tell me something both of you have in common?" Husband, after a long and awkward silence, "Well neither of us sucks little pee wee!"
Snow eh! The weather girl just said she was expecting 8 inches tonight!" I thought to myself , "she'll be f*&^ing lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are, it's forever a winner and I always end up in bed with them.............. ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion, does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that bacon works a f*&^ing treat!
The local mosque are having a fire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don't know about it yet
A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q. The manager says, "Would you like a screw for that mirror?" "No", she says, 'but I'd suck your little pee wee for a lawn mower."
Top tip; If your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that, because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently, the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat bird serving my food late in McDonalds at lunch time said "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry you fat c***, you'll lose it eventually."
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts when he meets Murphy. Murphy says "If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?" Paddy says, "If you can guess how many are in there, you can have both of them"...............Murphy says, "Four!"
Recession beater - Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we could get rid of the second car". Husband replies, "If you'd take it up the arse & let me cum on your face, we could get rid of the nanny!"
One of lifes great mysteries - Why is it a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD f*&^ing DAYLIGHT?
I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
Marriage counsellor to couple, "Tell me something both of you have in common?" Husband, after a long and awkward silence, "Well neither of us sucks little pee wee!"
Snow eh! The weather girl just said she was expecting 8 inches tonight!" I thought to myself , "she'll be f*&^ing lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are, it's forever a winner and I always end up in bed with them.............. ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion, does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that bacon works a f*&^ing treat!
The local mosque are having a fire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don't know about it yet
Chopper says - "Harden the f*** up Australia"