Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTony]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college ;what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[MrsTony]

Yeah seriously re-thinking the whole citizenship application.

[MrsTony]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up that
read, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car came up. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A university lecturer reminded her class of the next day's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[MrsTony]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years.He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!





Harry was devastated.After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.





He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE, I want to Love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!





Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest,again the sex was great , but all the LOON would say is , I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon! Egads,out with the LOON.



Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,so He brought the DUCK



back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was...well ......... you know .....




No ......... the DUCK didn`t say THAT!!!!! What's an awful thing to think!











The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !

[ROD]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

**************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it
feels
like when I'm driving."

[BUSGO]

Some great gags here boys and girls.



Keep em coming please.

[MrsTony]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars($20,000)
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[ROD]

Thomas the tank engine



A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son

playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of You Bastards who

want off, get the f*** off now, cause we're in a hurry!

And all of you Bastards who are getting on, get the f*** on, Cause We're

going down the tracks".


The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind

of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay

there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use

nice language."


Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing

with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take

all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a

pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your Hand

luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We

hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today."

As the mother began to smile, then child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, Please

see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[NEMESIS]

Thats gold!
I love this thread lol

[Ruffy]

Even nerds get lucky sometimes - sucked in big fella!


Optician needed.....


Ruffy

[MrsTony]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps. The younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."



The pump, of course, didn't respond. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, the young alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his young friend comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."



"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion and a massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 yards away.



When he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes, and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head, "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was dangerous?"



The older alien leaned over, "If there's one thing I've learned during our intergalactic travels, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and
wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!









Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[tenacious]

Two elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench. A young man walked up and exposed himself to the pair. Upon seeing the young man's privates, one of the ladies immediately had a stroke. The other lady -well, she couldn't quite reach far enough.

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them. "
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed

[ROD]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued.....
'He'd still be alive if the f*&^ing ice-cream truck hadn't come along'.