Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTony]

God Said, Adam I Want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said


"What's a headache??!!??

[Astro]

The Bean Matrix? This is cool !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myCE20HitUY

[commando]

what's the differance between an egg and a root?
you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a root.


can a woman make a man a millionare?
the answer to that question is yes.
if the man was a billionare.

[m8ee]

Test 1
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: all morning.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.
4. Take a family size packet of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6
Get ready to go out
1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.


12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent.

If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Dora and Bob the Builder. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make. To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your chioce. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
Now:
1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
2. Stir
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
6. Do not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids.

[Diablo]

A cop stops a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. He
asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he
might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So the officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. "I was born Fred
Dingaling...I know...a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time.

So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical
school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD.

So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred
Dingaling, MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Diablo]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his
dad
bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, She
dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks,
"What
were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad
has a
big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten
it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the Mom asked
puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and
gets
on her knees and blows it right back up."

[MrsTony]

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=donttouchmybone.flv

[ROD]

Get me a Beer

[ROD]

stoned

[ROD]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the
job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf
bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have
to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper
about his missing $10 million, he brings along his
attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10
million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper
where the money is

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are
talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is
in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he
say?"




The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the
balls to pull the trigger."

[MrsTony]

A reporter goes to Jerusalem, having heard that a man had been praying at the Wailing Wall for 40 years. He did this every day at 11 o'clock. "Have you really been here every day?" asked the reporter. "Of course. Without continuity, the power of prayer is weakened," replied the old man. "What do you pray for?"

"Well, peace in the world, end of hostilities in Iraq, calm in Afghanistan, brotherhood between Israel and Palestine, the end of global warming and so on." "At the risk of being impertinent, you don't seem to have been very successful," suggested the intrepid reporter.

"I know," said the old man. "Sometimes I think I am talking to a brick wall."

[MrsTony]

Sad but true

[MissTake]

The Woodpecker Story.

An Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii
had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker
accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no
problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to
peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term
woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence
he could do it, so accepted the challenge.

After flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked
the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion *

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[MrsTony]

A Professor was giving a lecture on"Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably out fishing with his mates!!"

[MrsTony]

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place."