I had a lend of one in Scotland once.
I woke up in bed and the last thing I remember before that was walking out the door of a party and thinking. Where am I staying and how do I get there?
I haven't been drunk since
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!
I have never had this problem... ohhh look a flying pig
WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE ! WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
This is soooo funny and oddly enough I think its true
TOP 10 REASONS WHY GOLD WING RIDERS DON'T WAVE BACK
10 He wasnt sure whether the other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture
9 Afraid he might get frostbite if he removed his hand from the heated grip
8 He has arthritis which makes it difficult to raise his arm
7 The reflection from his etched windshield momentarily blinded him
6 The expresso machine just finished and he was trying to get his cup refilled
5 He was actually asleep when the other rider waved
4 He was in a three way conference call with his stockbrocker and accessories dealer
3 he was distracted by an odd shaped blip on his radar screen
2 Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player. seat tempeature and satellite navigation system
1 he couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on his dashboard.
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SPORTBIKE RIDERS DONT WAVE BACK
10 He hasn'e been riding long enough to know he's supposed to
9 He's going too fast to have time to register the movement and respond
8 You weren't wearing bright enough gear
7 If he sticks his arm out going that fast he'll rip it out of the socket
6 He looks way to cool with both hands on the bars
5 He'll unbalance himself while standing on the tank
4 His skin-tight-Kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suit prevents any position other than the fetal
3 Raising an arm allows bugs into the armhole of his tank top
2 Its too hard to do one handed stoppies
1 he was too busy slipping his flip-flops back on
TOP 10 REASONS WHY BMW RIDERS DONT WAVE BACK
10 The new areostitch suit is too stiff to raise an arm
9 Removing a hand from the bars is considered bad form
8 Your bike isn't wierd enough looking to justify acknowledgement
7 Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock comfort seat
6 Too busy programming the GPS. monitoring radar, listening to ipod, or talking on mobile phone
5 He's an iron butt rider and your not
4 The wires from the Gerbing heated clothing are too short
3 You're not riding the right kind of BMW
2 You havent been properly introduced
1 He's afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture
TOP 10 REASONS WHY HARLEY RIDERS DONT WAVE BACK
10 He is afraid it will invalidate his warranty
9 The leather and the studs make it too heavy to raise his arm
8 He refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for
7 Afraid to let go of handlebars because he might vibrate off
6 The rushing wind would blow the scabs off the new tattoos
5 He is angry because he just took out a second mortgage to pay for his new harley
4 He has just discovered the fine print in the owners manual and realised H-D is partially owned by Honda
3 He cant tell if the other rider is waving or covering his ears like everyone else
2 He remembers the last time a harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand onto his spiked helmet
1 He's too tired from spending hours polishing the chrome to lift his arm
Fat Busa Racing 1347
Guest
Now that one we should keep as a sticky topic.
and the next time a squid wants to know about the wave, we
can point them at this for a good laugh...... Regards Richard
“Racing is living, everything else is just waiting”
Bear Removal
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "BearRemovers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pitbull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Regards Rob
never argue with a fool he will just drag you down to his level and he will beat you with experienceEdited by: bandit17172 at: 4/10/06 1:26 pm
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity, you gotta love these...
>
> 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
>
> 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
> .
> 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
>
> 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
> apes?
>
> 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
> girls live.
>
> 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
> section?" She said if she told
> me, it would defeat the purpose.
>
> 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>
> 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
>
> 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
> considered a hostage situation?
>
> 10. Is there another word for synonym?
>
> 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
>
> 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
> plant?
>
> 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
>
> 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
>
> 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
> clean them?
>
> 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
>
> 17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
>
> 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
> remain silent?
>
> 19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?(Somebody
> please explain THIS ONE to me I
> know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
>
> 20. How do they get koalas to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
>
> 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>
> 22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
>
> 23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
>
> 24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
> 25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!#
> ????
>
> 26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
>
> 27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
>
> 28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
>
> 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
>
> 30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
>
> 31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
>
> 32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
>
> 33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
>
> 34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!
An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this old tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?”
“Yes,” she said, “I remember it well.”
“OK, “ he says, “How about taking a stroll ‘round there again and we do it for old times sake.”
“Ooooh Henry, you are a devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to him self. He thinks, I’ve got to see this … two old timers having sex against the fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. He follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He has learnt something about life and starts to think about his own aged parents.
The old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, “That was truly amazing. I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.”
As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says, “except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”
Why I Fired My PA...
Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning.
I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me. As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.
As I Walked Into My Office, My PA, Nicole, Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Nicole Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."
I Said, "Thanks Nicole, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!" We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously
On The Way Back To The Office, Nicole Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"
I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"
She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment."
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."
"Ok." I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There...
On The Couch...
Naked.
"Don't ride behind me, I may not lead. Don't ride in front of me, I may not follow. Just ride beside me and be my friend."
I was crying by the end. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL
Frank:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC..
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor hot Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 - No Report
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
>
>
>
> The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally
> nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model
> danced before them.
> Each priest had a small bell attached to his "weenie" and, they were
> told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
> would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual
> purity.
>
>
>
> The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
>
> She
> proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
> until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
>
>
>
> Poor Carlos.
>
>
>
> As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
> clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
> Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
> and bent over to pick it up.
>
>
>
> Then all the other bells started to ring....
HUSBANDS FOR SALE!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
HMS VICTORY 1805
Nelson: Order the signal Hardy.
Hardy: Aye, aye, Sir.
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry Sir?
Nelson: (reading aloud) England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Hardy: Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson: Gadzooks Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments.
Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
Nelson: Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead!
Hardy: I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson: Damn it man - we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please.
Hardy: That won't be possible.
Nelson: What?
Hardy: Health and Safety have closed the crows net, Sir. No harness and they said the rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd.
Hardy: Health & Safety again Sir. We have had to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse to hear of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.
Hardy: Actually Sir, you did. the Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons.
Hardy: A couple of problems there too Sir. Health & Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats, and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt. Haven't you seen the adverts?
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by and engage the enemy.
Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Sir.
Nelson: What? This is mutiny.
Hardy: It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.
Nelson: but you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
Nelson: You must consider every man your enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy: Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules, it could save your life.
Nelson: Don't tell me - Health & Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
Hardy: As I explained, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment.
Nelson: What about sodomy?
Hardy: I believe it's now legal, Sir.
Nelson: In that case, kiss me Hardy.
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
..............."ME."
Regards Rob
never argue with a fool he will just drag you down to his level and he will beat you with experience
>*LOG ON*: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
>*LOG OFF*: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.
>*MONITOR*: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
>*DOWNLOAD*: Getting the firewood off the ute.
>*HARD DRIVE*: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
>*KEYBOARD*: Where you hang the ute keys.
>*WINDOW*: What you shut when the weather's cold.
>*SCREEN*: What you shut in the mozzie season.
>*BYTE*: What mozzies do.
>*MEGABYTE*: What Townsville mozzies do.
>*CHIP*: A bar snack.
>*MICROCHIP*: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
>*MODEM*: What you did to the lawns.
>*LAPTOP*: Where the cat sleeps.
>*SOFTWARE*: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
>*HARDWARE*: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
>*MOUSE*: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
>*MAINFRAME*: What holds the shed up.
>*WEB*: What spiders make.
>*WEBSITE*: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.
>*SEARCH ENGINE*: What you do when the ute won't go.
>*CURSOR*: What you say when the ute won't go.
>*YAHOO*: What you say when the ute does go.
>*UPGRADE*: A steep hill.
>*SERVER*: The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
>*MAIL SERVER*: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
>*USER*: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
>*NETWORK*: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
>*INTERNET*: Where you want the fish to go.
>*NETSCAPE*: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
>*ONLINE*: Where you hang the washing.
>*OFFLINE*: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough
"sometimes crime does pay"
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