Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[Dale]

A woman should be like a golf caddy ..

Either holding your balls or getting your f***ing tee ..

[arthur dunga]

What's the difference between a battery & a women

A battery has a positive side

[TempOzzy]

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:

I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply
for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested? Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

Still interested? Call me at...... 8250-0327

[TempOzzy]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."

[Madmax]

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has the guts to pull the cord!!

[Leviathan]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
'Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay.'

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the son was
about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned
away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly. 'You're gay,
doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?'

The son said nervously, 'Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right.'

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled
around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and
said................
'Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!'

[TempOzzy]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

[Steve]

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow .

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."



Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.



The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[DAVE01]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

[Dale]

An Aussie, an Italian and a Frenchman are discussing their sexual skills.

The Italian says "After I am finished having sex with Maria .. I reach down and tickle her thigh .. she jumps 6 inches off the bed in ectasy.

The Frenchman says "this is nothing, when I am finished making love to Fifi, I reach up and tickle her neck .. she jumps 12 inches off the bed in ectasy.

The Aussie says "Thats nothin fellas, when I'm finished rootin Shaz I get off, wipe my dick on the curtain .. and she hits the roof ..

---

What did Count Dracula get when he took a photo at night with no flash ???


Prints of Darkness ............


(Sorry .. One for the kids)

[islanddrift]

[quote='Dale' pid='234295' dateline='1294989943']
An Aussie, an Italian and a Frenchman are discussing their sexual skills.

The Italian says "After I am finished having sex with Maria .. I reach down and tickle her thigh .. she jumps 6 inches off the bed in ectasy.

The Frenchman says "this is nothing, when I am finished making love to Fifi, I reach up and tickle her neck .. she jumps 12 inches off the bed in ectasy.

The Aussie says "Thats nothin fellas, when I'm finished rootin Shaz I get off, wipe my dick on the curtain .. and she hits the roof ..

---

go you Aussie .....

[BEAU]

A bloke went hunting one day in a thick forest and spotted a big bear. The bloke took out his 3030. After he aimed it up, he took the shot. The bear caught the bullet in his teath and ran upto the bloke and said "you could have bloody killed me! I'll tell you what mate i'll give you two choices, i can just eat you right here and now or to teach you a lesson you can bend over this big log here and i'll f*** you up the arse. Whats it gonna be?" The bloke thought to himself for a few seconds-i dont wanna die-so turned, pulled his pants down and bent over the big log.

The bear f****d him up the arse. "All right dont let me see you do that again" the bear said. The bloke went home pissed off and thought "im gonna get this fuckin bear if the last thing i do."

The next day the bloke came back to the forest with a grenade launcher and found the bear. He got behind the same big log as the day befor and got into position. "i'll teach you a fuckin lesson" he mutted as he lined up the big bear in the sight. He pulled the trigger, the grenade launched towards the bear and the bear caught it with his big paws. "f***" the bloke thought. So the bear ran over to him. The bear was very angry and said "you again. Well you no the drill" The bloke pulled his pants down and bent over that same log.

The bear f****d him up the arse. HARD. The bear once again said "mate if i catch you doin anything like that again......look out!" The bloke went home with his arse almost bleading and sore as hell. The bloke thought "f*** this!"

So the next day the bloke came back to the thick forest in a helicopter loaded with fire power and proceeded to level every tree, bush, everything in the forest. When he ran out of ammo he was in shock. There, with the forest leveled all around him was the bear sitting on that same log, looking up at him in the chopper. The bloke by now gave up and thought "im never gonna kill this bear." So he landed the chopper, walked over to the bear, said nothing, just pulled down his pants, bent over the log then said "just get it over with."

The bear just shook his head and said "mate, your not in this for the hunting are you?"

[DAVE01]

[Bill Gaheer]

[Bill Gaheer]