Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[BLACKZOOK]

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

I think there is a whole series of "and thats when the fight started" jokes, very good.

[Madmax]

Top Ten Winners of International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International
Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[BUSABAZZ]

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.


"All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them".

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts".

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee".

[TempOzzy]

[PostmanPete]

Seen a DVD today that I thought it'd be worth a look.
"Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes" Seems it's all about Golf!!

[cAstAgeAr]

Earlier on today I I saw an African kid eating grass by the side of the road.
I stopped & said, "don't eat that, come to my place with me".

The child replied, " I have three brothers & a sister, can they come too"?

I replied, "don't be stupid, I've only got a small lawn".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two black fellas see a sign saying, "Make yourself white, $10".

"Lets do it", says Murray.

"All we have is a $20 note though". Says Albert.

"Right, you go first Albert, & when you get the change, I'll go in".

So Albert heads off & comes back two minutes later, all nice & white.

"Wow look at you mate, all flash looking eh! Give me the other tenner then".

Albert says, "get stuffed you black prick".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.

The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?
Apparently, the answer is Fiji.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was at Hungry Jacks this morning, & two Muslim woman,
wearing the brightest head to toe robes I've ever seen, came in.

Apparently, the burkas are better at Hungry Jacks.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick prick".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I walked past an abo sitting on the ground this arvo, & he said, "Any change mate"?

I said no, you're still black.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My teenage son just told me he shagged the neighbours daughter for the first time last night.

"Well done son", I said, "I hope you used something for personal protection".

"Yeah dad, a balaclava".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.

I only asked for a bomber jacket.

Touchy bastards.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard meal deal tonight.

2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "F&@k me".
What happened next will haunt me forever.

[cAstAgeAr]

Why do Sharks swim around you before attacking.


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a
few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

---

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time --
just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad
cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to
the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single arsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Madmax]

Subject: DIVORCE VS MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[ROD]

Moms have "mothers day"




Dads have "fathers day"




Lovers have "Valentines day"




what do single men have...




Palm Sunday? just wondering

[Greeny_SA]

Moms have "mothers day"




Dads have "fathers day"




Lovers have "Valentines day"




what do single men have...




Palm Sunday? just wondering

Plenty of money for toy's

[Greeny_SA]

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

GOD CREATED THE ORGASM SO THAT WOMEN
CAN MOAN EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY.

[FastPhil]

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home". I went over. Nobody was home.

[Steve]

Seven Kinds Of Sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'f*** You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

___________________________

[driverjam]

[Rainbow7]

Q: What's yellow and red and looks good on Muslims?

A: Fire.