Sorry..... LOL

[Tony Nitrous]

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A man went to a zoo
When he got there there, there was just a dog,
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.....it was a Shitzu.

[CeeJay07]

That's bad ( I did laugh a little though)

[Ozboc]

A man drank a whole bottle of poision and didn't die... why ?

Because he was standing in the living room ... ( my 5 yr old told me this one )


and then my x father in law told me this one ---

Whats the difference between a bowling ball and a woman..

a- you can only get 3 fingers into a bowling ball


Boc

[Tony Nitrous]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

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A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!
She better not crap in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening

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Murphy asks Paddy in the pub "What's your pet hate ?"

Paddy replies "Well it doesn't like things shoved up its bum"

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Some people say it's hard being a hostage.

Pfft... I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

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A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.



Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife
flying down the following day.. The husband checked into the hotel. There
was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.



Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow
had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who
died following a heart attack.



The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.



The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.



I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that

Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.



Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.



P.S. Bloody hot down here

[Aussie Steve]

Not a joke but funny all the same.

It was reported in a newspaper that an elderly bald gentleman was killed whilst play golf by a large bird of prey. It mistook his head for a rock and dropped a tortoise on it!

[bigfoot]

a bum in ballina told me this when i was walking down the foot path

Q: what does two soccer balls look like?

A:a pair of boobs

i didnt know what to say so i kept walking!!

[bear]

Check this.
http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?et=1102747681260&s=4790&e=001z-srta8xOMRmJ-WanP9wP6dPSk2DoYneLi_oucmqx1Hag8d8204_e6PThwGB9hIV7t7r92yGfYX7alJRYZ6YXtkuSyd-Bn7K6zkCwe5ekUtki8v82aoUvDC0p5P39cSsU9LPps1naQm0QaUJdu94S5h2zvCvKX-iQqmBXTdfrK4=

[bigjay]

Check this.
http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?et=1102747681260&s...mBXTdfrK4=

that'll fair dinkum f@#$en do me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bear]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Frank.


They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.

'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles
under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.

'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits.'

'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'.