Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[TempOzzy]

Keep up the good work Nem. It must be time for me to look through my emails for fresh material....

[NEMESIS]

Thanks temp,im glad someone is reading it lol.

   


   



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[drworm]

got a microwave for sale
The wife cooked a rooster in it, now everything tastes like little pee wee
thought you would be interested!

[ROD]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
>
> The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
>
> 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
>
> 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
>
> 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
>
> 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
>
> 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
>
> The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
>
> So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
>
> The same thing happens for two weeks.
>
> Then one day the circus comes to town.
>
> The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
>
> 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
>
> So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
>
> 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
>
> 'At the circus,' says the barman.
>
> 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
>
> 'That's right,' replies the barman.
>
> 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
>
> 'Yeah,' the barman replies.
>
> 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
>
> 'Of course,' the barman replies.
>
> 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
>
> 'That's right!' says the barman.
>
> The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
> .
>
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> 'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[NEMESIS]

Strip Club

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat Conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the Opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind Him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched Off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend Goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched Off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man Behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the Hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and Snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole Club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, Our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your Enthusiasm now"?
The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude!!"

---

Female Comebacks!

Female Comebacks!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

---

Marriage..the way kids look at it

Subject: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)


1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep >the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she
looks like a truck.

[TempOzzy]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the MP'. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...


Today you voted.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that.
Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still
waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?'
they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled 'Yes,' he informs the couple,

'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!!

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[TempOzzy]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[bigfoot]

haha last one is classic!

[NEMESIS]

Thin and Fat

Once there were two sisters.
One was fat and ugly and one was thin and beautiful.
The fat ugly sister got lots of dates, but the thin beautiful sister never got asked out.
She didnt understand it, so she decided to go to the Chinese doctor down the street.
He looked down her throat, then asked her to drop her panties.
He looked up her ass, then looked down her throat again.
The beautiful sister asked: Doctor Wu, did you find my problem?
Doctor Wu replied: Im afraid you have the Zachary syndrome my dear.
Upset at this news, the sister asked in a shaky voice: The Zachary syndrome!
What is the Zachary syndrome?
Doctor Wu replied: Your breath smells zachary like your asshole!

[TempOzzy]

"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, dear?"

"Pussy and Bitch."

Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico . A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."

"Thanks, Mom."

He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

[Rainbow7]

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

So true! I love how they try to use "Australian-sounding" names. *Guy with heavy Indian accent* "Hellooooo, my name is Brrrrad..." *Me* "Lol!"

[NEMESIS]

I like that last one tempozzy!

Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see los pyramids and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Pepito raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before.

She finally gave in and decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Pepito said, "My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chichis are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

---

woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

[m8ee]

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr. Laura:


Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.


I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.


1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.





Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

[m8ee]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NSW State of Origin fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are NSW State of Origin fans too. Not really knowing what a NSW State of Origin fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. Janet has not gone along with the crowd.



The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a NSW State of Origin fan," she answers.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a QLD State of Origin fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Janet why she is a QLD State of Origin fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mum are QLD State of Origin fans, so I'm a QLD State of Origin fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a NSW State of Origin fan".

[NEMESIS]

Iron man is a super hero.

Iron woman is a command.