Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[TempOzzy]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

---

Young boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for he first time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day'
Boy says 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

********************************************************

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.

They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

*********************************************************

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? .

The wife.

***********************************************************

A friend of mine says he is shagging twins.

I said ' How can you tell the difference?'

He said " Her brother has got a moustache "

**********************************************************

Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife.

She says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.

**********************************************************

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted "He's behind you !"

*****************************************************************

[Madmax]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? Yeah - WHY?

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE
THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR
NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK
MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE
HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN
IT?

31.. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT
THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD?

---

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[andcad]

[Madmax]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[NEMESIS]

Men and women

One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.' With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'

---

Whos your daddy?

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain tithe baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
How ever, as the labor progressed, the husband felt Fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided tottery for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer w as obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[TempOzzy]

[m8ee]

Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...









I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.



Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.



Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head so I shot her in the face!!

[NEMESIS]

Thats hardcore mateee lol!

---

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[Madmax]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

[NEMESIS]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

[Madmax]

[m8ee]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a
mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat

Old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed

a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a

small room.. The walls close d, and the boy and his father watched

the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They

continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the

numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out..

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son.....

'Go get your mother.'

[Madmax]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

The operator quietly hangs up the phone.

---

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says , "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

[Madmax]

This explains all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZzNl_ckvsA&feature=related

[m8ee]

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your f*&^ing will power."

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q. The manager says, "Would you like a screw for that mirror?" "No", she says, 'but I'd suck your little pee wee for a lawn mower."

Top tip; If your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that, because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently, the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat bird serving my food late in McDonalds at lunch time said "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry you fat c***, you'll lose it eventually."

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts when he meets Murphy. Murphy says "If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?" Paddy says, "If you can guess how many are in there, you can have both of them"...............Murphy says, "Four!"

Recession beater - Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we could get rid of the second car". Husband replies, "If you'd take it up the arse & let me cum on your face, we could get rid of the nanny!"

One of lifes great mysteries - Why is it a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD f*&^ing DAYLIGHT?

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

Marriage counsellor to couple, "Tell me something both of you have in common?" Husband, after a long and awkward silence, "Well neither of us sucks little pee wee!"

Snow eh! The weather girl just said she was expecting 8 inches tonight!" I thought to myself , "she'll be f*&^ing lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are, it's forever a winner and I always end up in bed with them.............. ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion, does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that bacon works a f*&^ing treat!

The local mosque are having a fire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don't know about it yet