M8ee thats gold ! lol!
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note...
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night. All My Love, P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
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Lmno
(laughingmynutsoff)
"If time catches up with you. You're going too slow!"
Regards BUSGO
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A bike story
Bob wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day,
he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even
better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,
really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going torain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he
hands Bob a jar of Vaseline.
That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents...
Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first
person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,'
he says. And in they go.
Bob is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up
on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit
down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Bob decides to take advantage of the situation. So he
leans over and kisses Sandra... No one says a word. So he reaches over and
fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her,
rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there,
in front of her parents face.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Bob
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's
enough, I'll do the fuckin dishes.
Regards
Andy
Live life like it's the 2 minute warning
My Way is the Highway
When life throws you a curve..lean into it
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repost,
wasnt crash hot the first time around either
The things kids say.....
JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'
DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a w hile and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget
This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
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kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Good weather, good woman, good road, good bike, good-bye!!
Rearrange
PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORYWhen you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
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Labeling gone wrong
Fanny.jpg (Size: 14.33 KB / Downloads: 81)
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From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f*** yourself.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your penis, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my penis was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. As you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood, this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.
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It is with regret that I will have to lock down some of these huge posting threads, at least till the end of this year. Reason being is that were experiencing some severe problems with CPU over-usage. We are often in the red and have received several warning from our server to deal with this or face throttling back service or discontinued at worst.
Now I have no way of knowing for sure whether its these "useless" threads that are causing the problem. So I will have to experiment by closing them down say at least till the end of the month and see whether this will have a positive effect on our server.
I will create a new thread allowing us all to put our heads together with ideas that may help to resolve the situation. But for now these threads will be locked down. They may be re-opened in the new year if found not to be responsible for our woes or have fixed our problems via other methods. So please bare with us on this.
![[Image: SigPic100.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v473/Volvi/SigPic100.jpg) Copper/ Silver - The original, the rest are just copies.
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An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
If it's too loud....You're too old!
If it's too fast....You're too old!
If it's too sexy....You're ???
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f*&^ing good because I want a cheeseburger."
The Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'
'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
'What about that eye patch?'
'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'
'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'
'Well It was my first day with the hook.
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Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch
.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.
Chopper says - "Harden the f*** up Australia"
I think ive posted this one before,anyhow...
Cinderella
CINDERELLA was now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship..
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension..'
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'..
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes...
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry you neutered me..'
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
An Old Italian
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, "Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really doana lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?"
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos."
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then...pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up?'"
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