Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[NEMESIS]

The cool person test.


http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/20...l_test.htm

[BUSABAZZ]

The cool person test.


http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/20...l_test.htm

[TempOzzy]

While walking through Stanley Park in Vancouver , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK...? So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day..............cupcakes..."

[BUSABAZZ]

[NEMESIS]

OH no!!!
lol!

---

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'



Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.



Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet…But when they go, they take your house and car with them.



Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....



BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER -----

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.





Nominated as the best short joke..(at least in the minds of women).

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. ‘Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied

[NEMESIS]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?

He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.

Where shall I put it to get it warm?

He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

But what about the smell?

Just hold its little nose.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

---

Biting boobs

A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'


"Nah," says the little old man ... "Costs too much!"

[bigfoot]

lol!!

[NEMESIS]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really
cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone
else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and
said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'ABSOLUTELY NOT !'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the
money on the floor, you bend down and I'll
finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult
with her boyfriend... So she called him and explained the
situation.

Her boyfriend said, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the
money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants
down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still
waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the
boyfriend calls and asks 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had all quarters!'

---

9 words women use...


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
__________________

---

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race come about?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her father and says: "Dad, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says we developed from monkeys?"

The Father answers, "That's simple, honey. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side."

---

Professor was giving a lecture ...

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not his most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. Pointing to a young woman in the front row the professor asked, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" And the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

---

An American soldier had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded,so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
__________________

[BUSABAZZ]

[NEMESIS]

FARMER...

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'

[NEMESIS]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

[bigfoot]

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!

[m8ee]

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day.
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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat
Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am
in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a
day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no
brakes.

Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's
fu*king hilarious....
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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so fu*king lucky...Mine's still
alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10
minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds
to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t!'

[NEMESIS]

M8ee you killed it! lol!

Awesome!

---

DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.


DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DIARYAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.

[bigfoot]

awesome!!!