Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[cAstAgeAr]

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:


First bloke : 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'


Second bloke : 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third bloke : 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'


They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'


Fourth bloke : 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:


'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[BUSGO]

Strange but TRUE!
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

[cAstAgeAr]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,
' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM,
why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM ?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.'

[black13]

A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the
> superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
> 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,'
>
> The Scotsman then replies, 'Well. it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
>
> The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
>
> The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the
> first timepieces and calendars.'
>
> And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of
> finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
>
> The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

[Madmax]

Mary and Joseph had been discussing what to call the new baby when he arrived. Knew it would be a boy as the Arkangel had told them she was carrying the Saviour.
Anyway, as Mary was backing into a stall for the night in the manger below the Pub, she hit her hip on the bolt that holds the stall door closed. She said in a loud and angry voice "Jesus!"
Joseph immediately proposed they use that name as it sounded better than "Derrick!"

My apologies for the name, no Derricks were injured during the telling of this story!



Max

[MrsTony]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[cAstAgeAr]

A POLICE CAR WAS PARKED OUTSIDE A MOUNT ISA PUB LATE IN THE EVENING AND THE OFFICER NOTED A MAN LEAVING WHO COULD BARLEY WALK.

HE STUMBLED AROUND THE CAR PARK FOR A FEW MINUTES TRYING HIS KEYS ON FIVE VEHICLES BEFORE FALLING INTO HIS OWN CAR.

AFTER A NUMBER OF PATRONS HAD DRIVEN OFF HE STARTED THE CAR SWITCHED THE WIPERS ON AND OFF FLICKED THE INDICATORS ON AND OFF TOOTED THE HORN AND SWITCHED ON THE LIGHTS.

HE MOVED FORWARD A FEW METRES, REVERSED AND REMAINED STATIONARY WHILE SOME OF THE VEHICLES LEFT. AT LAST HE SLOWLY DROVE DOWN THE ROAD.

THE POLICE OFFICER PUT ON HIS FLASHING LIGHTS, PULLED THE MAN OVER AND BREATHALYSED HIM TO HIS AMAZEMENT THE BREATHALIZER SHOWED NO INTOXICATION.

THE POLICE OFFICER SAID ''I''LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE POLICE STATION. THE BREATHALIZER EQUIPMENT MUST BE BROKEN .''

''I DOUBT IT ,''SAID THE MAN.

"TONIGHT I AM THE DESIGNATED DECOY.''

[cAstAgeAr]

COURAGE?

What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

Is it to drive a formula 1 car?

Is it to fly a fighter in combat?

Is it to practice free falling parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?

Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?

Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?

Is it to insult your boss?

Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?

... that is nothing.
THIS is COURAGE!!!
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[attachment=4974]

[Rev004]

Hangover Ratings.

1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up
there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so
productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you
of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke
watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet
coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly
or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
(depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and
your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger
and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have
gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee
who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe
..... very gently.

6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly
around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode
and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you
have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and
farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse
and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-
minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you
saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try
to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits
of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving
you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like
moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours
at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!

[Rev004]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.
=======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
=====================================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

===============================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

============================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[Rev004]

B B Q RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Rev004]

THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS.

THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.

THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.

SHE SAID " LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU.
WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"

SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."

THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.

THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.

"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"

[Rev004]

BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR


A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have any money.'

But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

'Anything?' he asked.

'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.

Well, then, 'Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next
room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. 'Come in and close
the door' the man said.

She did.

He then said 'Now get on your knees.'

She did.

'Now take down my zipper.'

She did.

'Now go ahead ... take it out.....' He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered

'Well .. go ahead.'

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips….......tentatively said ........



'Hello. Mum, can you hear me?'

[Rev004]

I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.







A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.



I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.



Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.



I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

[Rev004]

THE ENTREPRENEUR

Dead Donkey

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up
and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,.......... the donkey died.'
Chuck replied: 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I I've spent the money already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. ............... . I just won't tell anybody he's " dead ".............

...............A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off; and sold 500 tickets at $2 dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won........... So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government