The useless bits of info to see if we can make a million posts thread

[cAstAgeAr]

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

[cAstAgeAr]

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

[cAstAgeAr]

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

[cAstAgeAr]

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

[cAstAgeAr]

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

[cAstAgeAr]

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

[cAstAgeAr]

…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

[cAstAgeAr]

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

[cAstAgeAr]

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

[cAstAgeAr]

I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

[cAstAgeAr]

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

[cAstAgeAr]

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

[cAstAgeAr]

Family Guy
Brian: Peter, only one gift was for charity the rest where for the family.
Peter: No the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of for to from?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it said 'For Peter' on it so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh, you know it's just easier to call you stupid.

[cAstAgeAr]

Family Guy
Chris: Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home.
[laughing]
Peter: Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.

[cAstAgeAr]

Family Guy
[On being President of the tobacco company]
Peter: And they give us a lot of perks, too.
Ugly Girl: (to Meg) Hi.
Meg: Who are you?
Ugly Girl: I'm the ugly girl sent to stand next to you to make you more desirable.