Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[cAstAgeAr]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.


The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'



The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.


Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'


She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[cAstAgeAr]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room,drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia ,and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the dayswe all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine.

It's me........I've quit drinking!'

[Rev004]

Strailya Mate!

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass
in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that
we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says,

'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice.'.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Rev004]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a Peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Rev004]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish
man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you but I must find water first!'

' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

[MrsTony]

[MrsTony]

Why the groom shouldn't order the wedding cake

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...age001.jpg

[MrsTony]

[cAstAgeAr]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

[cAstAgeAr]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You Bastards who want off, get the fark off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you Bastards who are getting on, get the fark on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

[cAstAgeAr]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£ 124,237.64"

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

[MrsTony]

[NEMESIS]

mrs tony,i loved the unemployment 1 !
LOL
TOo good!
Anyhow,heres a joke....


An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed,his new bride is playingwith his manhood slowlystroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left italone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'

[NEMESIS]

MAn that little harry an the vaseline joke is gold!

I got alot to catch up on..

[MrsTony]