Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[Rev004]

Well fellars there is some bloody funny stuff here so I thought that I would add a little Johnny one for you..

Audrey


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher , "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

[cAstAgeAr]

[attachment=3293]

[ROD]

[attachment=3338]

[cAstAgeAr]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Rev004]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy .. My balls itch!"

[Rev004]

Subject: When girls don't put out!!

> When girls don't put out!!
> This was written by a guy ... it's
> pretty damn smart.
>
> Girls -- Please have a sense of
> humor!
>
> I never quite figured out why the
> sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out
> the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with
> their head and women with their heart.
>
> FOR EXAMPLE:
>
> One evening last week, my girlfriend
> and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
> eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
>
> I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
>
> So she says the words that every
> boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
>
> 'You're just not in touch with my
> emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
> man.'
>
> She responded to my puzzled look by
> saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
> the bedroom?'
>
> Realizing that nothing was going to
> happen that night, I went to sleep.
>
> The very next day I opted to take
> the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and
> then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around
> with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She
> couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She
> wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair
> for each outfit.'
>
> We went on to the jewelry department
> where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was
> so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I
> started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet
> when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
>
> I think I threw her for a loop when
> I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction
> from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally
> said, 'I think this is all
> dear, let's go to the cashier.'
>
> I could hardly contain myself when I
> blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
>
> Her face just went completely blank
> as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
>
> I then said, 'Honey! I just want you
> to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial
> needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
>
> And just when she had this look like
> she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am
> and not for the things I buy you?'
>
> Apparently I'm not having sex
> tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
>
>
> Alright Ladies. Forward this if you
> agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.
>
> Men, forward this if you have BALLS
> !!!!

[cAstAgeAr]

[Rev004]

A young choirboy goes into the confessional. ‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.â€

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, Charlie?â€

‘Yes, Father, it is.â€

‘And who was the girl you were with?â€

‘I canâ€t tell you, Father, I donâ€t want to ruin her reputation.â€

‘Well, Charlie, Iâ€m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?â€

‘I cannot say.â€

‘Was it Teresa Brown?â€

‘Iâ€ll never tell.â€

â€â€Was it Margaret Doyle?â€

‘Iâ€m sorry, but I cannot name her.â€

‘Was it Anne O†Neil?â€

‘My lips are sealed.â€

‘Was it Catherine 0â€Toole, then?â€

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.â€

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘Youâ€re very tight lipped Charlie, and I admire that. But youâ€ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now off you go and behave yourself.â€

Charlie walks back to his pew. His friend Tommy slides over and whispers, ‘Whatâ€d you get?â€

‘4 months†holiday and five good leads.

[Rev004]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Mutha]

So funny, carefull You might wet your pants

[Astro]

Dry as a bone... phew. Don't need the pads yet.

[cAstAgeAr]

Our jobs are sfa eas long as these people are out there


1 - 7


ONE .

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was his reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.

I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,'

looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding

the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said, 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'


FOUR.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote.

Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant

convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked, as she gave her keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't

you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE.

Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.

With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.


SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a bloke in one of the branches who had this question:

'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in the main frame?'

SEVEN.

Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid

[cAstAgeAr]

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden, then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself, and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[Rev004]

| Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[Rev004]

Last words.
>
> A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife
> speaks to the counselor alone.
> The counselor asks, 'You say you've been married 20 years, so what
> seems to be the problem?'
> The wife replies, 'It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm going
> to leave him if he continues!'
> 'How does he drive you crazy?'
> 'For 20 years,' she says, 'he's been doing these stupid things.
> First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
> refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing.'
> The marriage counselor is amused, 'Anything else?'
> 'He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!'
> 'Hmm, anything else?'
> The wife hesitates, 'whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be
> on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!'
> 'Ah,' says the counselor, 'I think I'll talk to your husband now.'
> So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.
> The counselor tells him, 'Your wife says that you've been driving her
> crazy. She might even leave you.'
> The husband looks shocked, 'WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
> considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be
> the problem?'
> The counselor explains, 'She says that you've got these habits that
> are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public;
> looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.'
> The husband looks concerned, 'Oh, you don't understand! It's one of
> the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore
> I'd obey everything he said.'
> 'What did he say?'
> 'He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!'
> The counselor looks amused, 'Actually, that means that you should not
> do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.'
> The husband looks sheepish, 'Oh. Okay.'
> The counselor continues, 'And you keep picking your nose in public.'
> 'Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He
> told me to always keep my nose clean.'
> The counselor looks faint, 'That means that you should not indulge in
> any criminal activity.'
> 'Oh,' says the husband feeling very stupid.
> 'And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
> your lovemaking.'
> 'This,' says the husband seriously, 'is the last thing my father
> commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing.'
> 'What did he say?' asks the counselor
> 'With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.''