Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTony]

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords:

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his little pee wee wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

[MrsTony]

What a very talented young man

http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/b...ction=view¤t=Hackysack.flv

[m8ee]

Q. What is the difference between NSW and a bamboo skewer?

A. The skewer has one point

[cAstAgeAr]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[cAstAgeAr]

West Australian June 9th 2008 - Family Court Ruling

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Fremantle Dockers team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[cAstAgeAr]

Golfing hitman


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the
first hole of their local golf course when a guy
carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said,
'You're welcome.' So they started
playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag,
and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle
with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the
other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my
house from here.' So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight
is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I
can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour, how much do you charge
for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so
shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off
to teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim,
standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think
I can save you a grand here.....'

[cAstAgeAr]

Nobody in football should be called a genius



'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games 'It's basically the same, just darker.'

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton
'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
(Mark Williams).

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'
(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'
(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'(Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon: ' Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'


'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
(Dermott Brereton).

They say rugby players are even worse!!!!!!!!!!

[cAstAgeAr]

The Pope

The Pope's driver picks up the Pope from the airport.

After loading all of the Pope's luggage into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, would you please take your seat so we can leave?

Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.

I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

And what if something should happen protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

There might be something extra in it for you, says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

Please slow down Your Holiness, pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. Oh, dear God, I'm gonna
lose my license, moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

So bust him, says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that - he's really important, said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!

No, I mean really important, said the cop.

The Chief then asked, Who have you got there, the Mayor?

Cop: Bigger.

Chief: Governor?

Cop: Bigger.

Well, said the Chief, Who is it?

Cop: I think it's God!

Chief: What makes you think it's God?

Cop: He's got the F*#*ing Pope as a chauffeur!

[cAstAgeAr]

How the fight started:

I 'rear-ended' a car this morning on the way to work.

I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it.... he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said 'I'm NOT f*&^ing happy!'

So I said 'Well, which f*&^ing one are you then?'

And that's how the fight started......

[andcad]

A letter from a kid that joined the Australian army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya bootsand clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and

Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.





Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[debandee]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married....They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist....... Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes..... why do you ask,..... is there something I can help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Registry."

[cAstAgeAr]

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead.

Out of respect and propriety, the Carlton fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Richmond fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.
First, he lifted up the Carlton cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes.

Next, he lifted the Richmond cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes.

The officer then lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Collingwood fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Collingwood hat, I find an arsehole.... "

[cAstAgeAr]

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'

[cAstAgeAr]

A Warm Thought

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after
the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady
received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to
say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Lions Bay School :

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior
Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver
Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone
and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old
lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot
of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I told her to f*** off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

[Ruffy]

Some Aussie Poetry.



For years I brown-nosed bastards from the Centre to the Right,

I fiddled with the numbers and I suck-holed day and night.



And when they wouldn't have me, waited for the next election,

And then I bitched so loudly I was given pre-selection.



And now I make the bastards pay,

So if you need a deal

Remember who you're talking to,

Belinda f---ing Neal.



If my soccer boot has hit some bitch and got her in the arse,

Well what the f---k could she expect just lying in the grass?

And then the bloody referee holds up a card of red

And gives me marching orders! Well, she wished that she was dead.



I shoved my nose into her face,

You should have heard her squeal!

Do you know who you are dealing with?

Belinda f---ing Neal.



I married Della Bosca though I felt a bit above him

And I beat him up occasionally to show him that I love him.

All in all it's worked out well, he's like a railway buffer

And if I get a bit too loud, it's Iemma has to suffer.



But the MC at the wedding breakfast

Made a blue for real –

She called me Mrs. Della B, when I'm

Belinda f---ing Neal.



Now, that dinner by the waterside at Gosford (which I hate!)

The one they're now referring to as my Iguanagate.

I didn't swear (I never do!), I swear by all that's proper,

I never said I'd close them down or lean on a local copper.



I only said, so nice and quiet

You could hear the church bells peal,

Do you know who you're dealing with?

Belinda f---ing Neal!



But now it's all been squared away, the matter put to rest,

Della's apologised to himself, the thing he does the best.

"We're sorry, sir and madam, for the hell we've put you through,

And if you come to visit, there's a free meal here for you".



His one mistake was stamping it

With his "Della Bosca" Seal.

He should have let me do it,

I'm Belinda F---ing Neale.

[attachment=3289]

Cheers Ruffy