Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[MrsTony]

True story
Driving in the car and my daughter (5 at the time) says

"Mum I know who my real father is"

Deathly silence from her father

I says

"And who's that?"

"God!!" She just came back from Sunday School. Lol.

[LOAFIE]

[cAstAgeAr]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

------------------------------

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

---------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

--------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

--------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

--------------------------------------

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[tomrux]

Bandaids on the mirror, thats brilliant. ROFL

Tom

[tomrux]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'







'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.


The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'







'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.







Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they
started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'






'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me


I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit'

[debandee]

Some words of wisdom...

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[cAstAgeAr]

THE MINERâ€S VASECTOMY
After having their 11th child, a Minerâ€s couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "By gosh, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania, Queensland ,Western Australia, and any where there are Mineâ€s

[cAstAgeAr]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED


What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[debandee]

To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"

[cAstAgeAr]

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.


Test 1 Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.


Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.


Test 2 Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.


Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm , put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am .

4. Set the alarm for 3am .

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am .

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am .

9. Put the alarm on for 5am . Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4 Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.


Test 5 Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Test 6 Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.


Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10 TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.


Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room.


Test 14 Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work


You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

[Leviathan]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[MrsTony]

[Mutha]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If Iâ€m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it

[Heidi1]

From the UK news a few days ago, these are my favourite kids, I'd be tempted to breed if I could get kids this clever. Watch out for the excuse they gave the hookers as to why they were so small.


Xbox and hookers on dad's credit card
By staff writers

May 14, 2008 04:50pm

A 13-year-old boy from Texas who stole his father's credit card and hired two prostitutes has been convicted of fraud.
Newark teenager Ralph Hardy confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his dad's existing credit card company and taking his pals on a US$30,000 spending spree, which culminated in them playing "Halo" on an Xbox with the hookers in a Texas motel.

The $1000-a-night prostitutes were released without charge but Ralph was given a three year community order upon his conviction on May 9, money.co.uk reported.

The prostitutes told police they grew suspicious when the kids said they'd rather play Xbox than play with them.

Authorities were alerted to the motel by a delivery clerk who, after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Oreos and Fritos, was asked by the kids where they could hire some escorts.

They young lotharios explained they'd just won big at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to relax.

The delivery clerk called the police who arrived to find $3,000 in cash, electronic gadgets, an Xbox console and games, plus the two prostitutes.

Ralph reportedly told the officers his dad wouldn't mind, because he'd turned 13 the previous week and he'd forgot to get him a present.

Ralph and Co. told the working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus.

They added that State law did not allow discrimination against the disabled so they had no right to refuse them.

Explaining why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the done thing when you win a "World of Warcraft" contest.

The prostitutes ended up playing "Halo" with the kids instead of having sex with them.

[cAstAgeAr]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,

'Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time..........


BRING POSSE!!!!