Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD
worlds best divorce letter

Dear Meg,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Meg ."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Erie House and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Meg? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Meg , I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Meg ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a girl and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Meg, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Meg. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is.

Love, Jimmy
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Thats gold TrophyTrophyTrophy
Lol2
+1 Lol2Lol2Lol2

TrophyTrophyTrophy
General Cosgrove was being interviewed about a boy scout troop visiting a military camp.

Here is a transcript of the interview by a young female reporter.

Interviewer "So General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys during their visit?"

General "We're going to teach them climbing, coanoeing, archery and shooting."

Interviewer "Shooting?. That's irresponsible isn't it?"

General "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

Interviewer "Don't you see that this is a dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

General "No. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they touch any weapons."

Interviewer "But you're equipping them to become violent killers!"

General "Well ma'am, your equipped to be a prostitute, but your not one are you?"

End of interview......
"If time catches up with you. You're going too slow!"
Regards BUSGO
Man in confession box says to priest , father i had sex with 7 women last night.Priest says go home & drink the juice of 10 lemons.Man says, will i be forgiven?No says the priest but it will wipe that fuckin smile off your face.
Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked 'What are you selling' here ?'

One of the men replied sarcastically 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

'You're doing well ... Only two left!'







Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen
"If time catches up with you. You're going too slow!"
Regards BUSGO
Posted by BUSGO - Today 22:07
Two Englishmen
Roll Lol2
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
THE VOODOO PENIS
> >
> > A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so
> > he
> > thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a
> > sex
> > shop and explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know
> > that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks,
> > except...the Voodoo Penis!"
> >
> > The husband said "The what"?
> >
> > The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an
> > ordinary dildo.
> >
> > The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
> >
> > The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
> >
> > The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started
> > pounding
> > the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much tha t a
> > crack began to form down the mi ddle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis,
> > return to box!" and the penis stopped and
> > returned to the box.
> >
> > The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband
> > had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
> >
> > She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The
> > penis
> > shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind
> > shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had
> > enough.
> > She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to
> > tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car
> > and
> > started for the hospital.
> >
> > On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
> > road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
> > asked
> > for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
> >
> > Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anythin g to drink
> > officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and
> > it won't stop screwing me..."
> >
> > The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
> > "Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"
> >
> > The rest, as they say, is history....
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crime scene investigation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssaSo4wagpA
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women get valentines day, what about the men?

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the f*** Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the f*** Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling.
So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
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That is the best thing ive ever heard lol

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing she hasnt been told twice already....
NEMESIS Wrote:That is the best thing ive ever heard lol

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing she hasnt been told twice already....

What do you do when the love of your life sits next to you on the lounge?
Shorten the chain to the sink Pi_tongue
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LOAFIE Wrote:
NEMESIS Wrote:That is the best thing ive ever heard lol

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing she hasnt been told twice already....

What do you do when the love of your life sits next to you on the lounge?
Shorten the chain to the sink Pi_tongue

TOUCHE'Ghastly
* Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

* Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

* Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

* Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

* What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

* How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

* Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

* What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

* Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

* How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

* Why is virginity like a baloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

* What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

* How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

* Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

* Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

* Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

* What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

* Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

* How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

* Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

* What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

* What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

* What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down

* What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

* How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

* What food describes most men?
Jerky.

* Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

* How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

* Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

* What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

* What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

* Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

* Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

* Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

* Why women like bidets?
Because men don't know what they are.

* How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

* Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

* When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

* Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

* How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words

* Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

* What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

* Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

* Why did God Create man first?
1. Practice makes perfect.
2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
3. There's a frist draft with anything.
4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
5. First is the worst.........Second is the best!
6. To be funny

* Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
Friend: "GREAT trade!"

* How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

* Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

* Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.

* Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

* "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

* How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.

* If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

* Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

* How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

* Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

* How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

* How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

* How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

* Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

* Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

* What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

* Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

* Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

* What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

* What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

* Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

* What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

* What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

* Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

* What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

* How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

* What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

* Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

* Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

* Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

* Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

* How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

* What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

* Why are men like chocolate candies?
They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.

* What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A man who told too many blonde jokes.

* What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

* How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

* Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

* Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

* What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

* How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

* How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

* What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

* How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

* What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

* How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

* What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? Did it ever happen??

* How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

* What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

* What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

* What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

* Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

* Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

* How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

* Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

* How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

* Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

* What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.

* Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy."

* What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

* Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

* What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

* Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

* Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

* What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

* Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

* What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

* Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

* You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
The female brains are sold as "used"

* Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

* Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows why the hell men do anything?

* How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

* Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

* How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

* Why is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

* What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

* How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."

* Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die


Wm
never fly higher than your angel.




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