Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[Bill Gaheer]

Here's a sick one...

So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off
her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician
objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin
closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a
tear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a
bitch!"

[Bill Gaheer]

There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an
18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher
runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the
truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.

"Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.

"Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look
at this."

Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in
the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips
the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a
vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo
all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly
and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.

"That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I
have a go??"

The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"

"There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.

"What?"

"There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."

[Bill Gaheer]

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
so he went to the
doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have
sex, to stick his
finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the
smell would cause his
hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he
decided to make his
move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
in her pussy, and then
rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his little pee wee, and it began
to stiffen. Amazed, he
decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them
in her pussy, then
rubbed them both under his nose, and his little pee wee quickly jumped to 3/4
erect. He decided to
try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all
around under his nose.
Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
"Honey, quick
turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and
with his dick standing
tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and
said, "Looks like the
worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"

[Bill Gaheer]

Once some boys got together to play poker one
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor,
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim
had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news
to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be
diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his
wife answered the door, he calmly said to her:
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!'
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to
just drop dead!'
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

[Bill Gaheer]

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time
achieving an orgasm.
The Dr said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if
that works any better." said the Dr.
"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

[Bill Gaheer]

If a girl gets a tatoo of Santa Claus on one thigh
and a turkey on the other. She wants to show that
there is something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.....

[Bill Gaheer]

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

[cAstAgeAr]

[attachment=2207]

Click to enlarge . .

[cAstAgeAr]

A TRUE QUEENSLANDER


The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland),
CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[cAstAgeAr]

You Might Be a Member of the Taliban or Al Qaeda if..

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my arse look fat?"

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you' ve done with your cave."

1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean

[cAstAgeAr]

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of You one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With The blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water".........

[simmo]

One Question IQ Test




Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?








Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...













He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses." If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.



I've got mine shutting down right now.








(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer.

[simmo]

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing

in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill,

rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.



"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.



"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as

much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives

off.



A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the

middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and

a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.



"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.



So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as

can do." He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off.



A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of

the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and

snaps,"Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from and what the f..k

do you want?"



And the little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please...".

[cAstAgeAr]

[attachment=2221]

[Bill Gaheer]