Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[tomrux]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP



A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[Astro]

Good News : Management decided that all booze at this years Australia Day company picnic will be FREE!!!

Bad News : Everyone is limited to one drink!!!

Good News : They put me in charge of ordering the cups!!

[Mutha]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY REALLY drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her against a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said "Not very tough tonight, are you Batman".

[Mutha]

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times. The second mouse orders up two shots of Tequilla. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit, I gotta go home and fark the cat."

[Mutha]

A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers . .

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

[Mutha]

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen
20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
21. Roseanne looks good.
22. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
23. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
24. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
25. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
26. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
27. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

[simmo]

A man is driving along a highwayand sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver,a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out t o see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
'I feel terrible,'he explains,'I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it.'
The blonde says,'Don't worry.'
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,
hops another ten feet,turns and waves,and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
'What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?'

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...



(Are you ready for this?)




(Are you sure?)





(This is bad!)







(You can still delete it) (You know you're gonna be sorry)






(Last chance)





(OK, here it is)





It says,



'Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.'



Hey, I don't make them up.... I just pass them along

[Mutha]

[jaycbr250]

UNCLASSIFIED






A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Brisbane and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more. Can you give me some more details about this? He asks the man behind the desk.


The job Centre assistant sorts through his files and replies - "Oh yes here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Darwin."


"Oh why, is that where the job's at ?" he asks.


"No, that's the end of the queue"

[Ruffy]

> > Absolute Campbelltown classics!!
> >
> >
> > Q. Two Campbelltownites jump off a cliff. Who wins?
> >
> >
> > A. Society
> >
> > Q. What does a Campbelltown girl use as protection during sex?
> >
> >
> > A. A Bus shelter
> >
> > Q. What do you call a Campbelltown Boy in a suit?
> >
> >
> > A. The defendant.
> >
> > Q. Why did the Campbelltownite cross the road?
> >
> >
> > A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever
> >
> > Q. What do you call a Campbelltown girl in a white tracksuit?
> >
> >
> > A. The bride.
> >
> > Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from Campbelltown on a bike, why
> > should you try not to hit him?
> >
> >
> > A. It might be your bike
> >
> > Q. What's the first question during a Campbelltown quiz night?
> >
> >
> > A. What you looking at?
> >
> > Q. Two Campbelltown Blokes in a car without any music - who is
> > driving?
> >
> >
> > A. The policeman!
> >
> > Q. What do you say to a Campbelltownite with a job?
> >
> >
> > A. A Big Mac please.
> >
> > Q. What's the difference between a Campbelltown boy and a Campbelltown girl?
> >
> > A. A Campbelltown girl has a higher sperm count.

[2CUTE4U]

LOL - MORE ! MORE !

[2CUTE4U]

The Lost Dr. Seuss Tongue Twister



See if you can do this.
Read each line aloud:
-------------------------------------
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat



Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!


This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

[2CUTE4U]

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.



The Moods of a Man

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

[2CUTE4U]

[2CUTE4U]